Meet Jen

I'd like to introduce you to my friend Jen.  She and her husband, along with their adorable little girl LeYanna, are the Resident Directors of the only co-ed dorm on my college campus.  Now Jen was never my RD, but I always seemed to have lots of friends that lived in her dorm or were on her RA teams, so I wound up spending a significant amount of time over there, chilling in the lobby or hanging out with that RA team.

Some time ago, I decided that I wanted to be like Jen when I grew up.  One of things I loved about spending time at Jen and Cory's apartment was that as soon as I walked in the door, I felt comfortable.  I knew that it was a place where I could kick off my shoes, curl up on the couch with a blanket, put my feet on the furniture, and snack on the M&Ms on the kitchen counter.  Jen and Cory's door was always open (figuratively).  They know that God has placed them in a unique role of ministering to college students and they have embraced that calling whole-heartedly, choosing to roll with all the quirks that come with being a 30-something couple who still lives in a college dorm.

Take today for example.  I wrote a note on Jen's Facebook wall asking if we could get together for a coffee date the next time I was in town so that I could pick her brain about things like going to seminary.  (She's a girl who is going to seminary for fun.  We have a lot in common.)  She immediately responded that yes, she'd love to get together, but that she doesn't love coffee, so we'd have to get her a Coke instead.  Or I could just come over to her house and hang out.  You have to keep in mind that I was never one of her RAs or even one of her residents.  I'm just a washed-up-ex-RA who graduated and now doesn't know what to do with her life, and Jen is still willing to open her home, spend a few hours with me, and be my friend.

I want to be a person like that.  I want to be a person who opens their life and home to people.  I want my home to be a comfortable place where people can put their feet on the furniture and eat the M&Ms.  I want my priorities in life to be on loving people and helping those people to love Jesus more.

Another thing that I love about Jen though, which is probably more important than feet-on-the-furniture and M&Ms, is her honesty.  All you have to do is scroll through my FB news feed and you'll see lots of statuses from young wives and moms going on and on about how great their husband and/or children are.  Now, I'm glad that these people enjoy their families, and I'm definitely NOT a fan of people who complain about their lives all the time, but Jen has an incredible ability to be honest about the struggles in her life, and yet not be a complainer or a Debbie Downer.  She loves her husband to death, but doesn't gloss over the fact that marriage is hard.  She adores her daughter, but doesn't hide the fact that 3am feedings are a total pain in the butt, and that being a mom is exhausting.  She loves the Lord deeply, but doesn't pretend that walking with Jesus is always easy and full of sunshine and rainbows.

Jen's honesty makes her such a great role model for the young women she mentors.  If you talk to most girls at a Christian college, they're obsessed with getting married to the perfect Christian guy who takes them on sweet dates all the time, never farts, and always puts the toilet seat down.  I love to hear Jen's perspective on things, because she can be a dreamy girl, but with a healthy dose of reality thrown in.

I'm grateful to have people like Jen in my life, and I hope and pray that I can be the sort of friend to others that she has been to me.

Someone Else's Words

Sometimes Leana Tankersley puts my feelings into words so eloquently that I swear she's living inside my head.

Ultimately, I realized how isolated I was feeling. And while we are settling here and we are making this house our home and this place our place, I’m still fragile and vulnerable in all the worst ways . . . I felt stuck here. If you’ve ever felt stuck, you know what a terrible feeling it is to believe you are trapped and powerless . . . I’ve learned one thing in my life and that is when feelings as strong as these surface, you’d better pay attention because stuffing them back down will create something intensely toxic . . . 

So I just tried my very best to feel what I was feeling and not try to explain it away or “yeah, but we’re so blessed” it to death or try to manufacture resolution with the “God brought us here” pleasantries or slap a “God has something to teach me right now” on it . . . because doing any of these things prematurely will just backfire . . .

And I got through it. In the very ugly way that you get through sometimes. Lacking hygiene and cussing under your breath a lot. Eating fast food and sleeping with the lights on . . . 

( http://www.gypsyink.com/category/home/ )

I don't have any other words to add except to say that this resonates deeply with me and it makes such a difference to know that you're not the only person in the world that feels a certain way.  It makes the isolation shrink back into its dark corner just a little bit.

Good Memories

This morning it was raining when I got to work, and since I was a few minutes early, I laid my head back on the headrest and closed my eyes.

I always love the sound of rain on the roof, but this morning it reminded me of Mexico.

I remembered the sound of the rain on our car roof that first night on the road as we drove towards San Francisco with Ben, Kenji, and Matt singing "Tipsy" in the backseat and being so hyper and excited that we probably could have driven all night.

I remembered the sound of the rain on the tent roof in Técate as Megan and I huddled together amid the rapidly rising waters.

I remembered the sound of the rain on the van roof as all the girls slept sitting up after we got flooded out of our tent.

I remembered the sound of the rain on the shingled roof at our building site as we drug 2x4's through the mud.

I remembered being surrounded by friends.  I remembered being freezing cold and wet - the whole week.  I remembered laughing.  I remembered being outrageously dirty and smelling like campfire.  I remembered being really, really, indescribably happy.

I Do Not Like This Sam-I-Am

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe it's all the new pictures albums popping up on Facebook showcasing moments of fun, laughter, spontaneity - each picture capturing a moment, a memory.  Maybe it's thinking about my hall girls and seeing them not as the baby freshmen and sophomores I met a year ago, but as the confident sophomores and juniors who are stepping into positions of leadership on campus and preparing to invest in the lives of dozens more babies.  Maybe it's the moments I spent tonight reading through my friend Kerstyn's blog, and finding myself with a pit in my stomach as I read about her summer spent counseling at camp and living with her roommates in Boise - and I wanted to cry because the vast majority of my friends are in Salem, having adventures and making memories without me.

Selfish and petty maybe, but true.

Especially now that school has started, I would do almost anything to be able to go back to Salem.  I spent some time online tonight looking for jobs down there, but to no avail.  I miss having roommates and inviting friends over to watch a movie or make dinner.  I miss spontaneous late night beach trips on the weekends and going to WalMart at midnight and seeing at least four people I know.  I miss running at the sports center with Miranda and watching the oh-so-attractive Davidson boys play basketball on the gym floor below.  I miss being able to go to Gov Cup before work and be alone and journal and read until life made sense again.

I'm having a hard time putting into words what I so desperately miss about living in Oregon, but I know at the core that I miss the community I had there.  This is really hard to explain to people, because I do have a few friends here like Danny and Sean and Britton and Christina, but I don't have my solid girlfriends like my roommates who would let me cry about life without trying to fix it; or my guys that would make us coffee and drive to the beach with me at midnight.  I don't have my hall girls to sit around and talk about boys with, or the people like Pam and Jason who would let me sit on their couch and unwind every week.

We've already established on this blog what an extrovert and people-person I am, and without these significant relationships, I'm going crazy.  I'm ridiculously jealous of other college graduates who are living on their own with roommates who they get to share day-to-day life with.

But like I said, no one understands this.  They tell me I need to be grateful that I'm living at home and saving money, that I have a good job, that I have ministry opportunities at church, that I can go down to Salem on the weekends, and that I'm young and single and have all the opportunities in the world in front of me.  And I am grateful for all those things - very grateful, and I thank God for them.  But I feel like I'm not living.  I feel like I'm just existing - a very lonely existence at that.  Is this really what "real life" is?  Because if it is, I sure I don't like it.

Mood:  Sad
Music:  Mumford & Sons

Let's See How Far We've Come

For being as OCD as I am, I get distracted pretty easily.  Tonight as I was writing in my journal, I got the urge to read through some of the old entries and wound up reading the whole book.  In my twenty-two years of life on this earth, I have filled dozens of notebooks, but this particular volume of my life story started last October and covers the major events of my senior year of college.  Talk about a trip down recent memory lane . . . 


How quickly we forget what has happened in the past.  As I read the words I'd written in these past nine months, I realized that I had forgotten a lot of things.  Pain fades the further removed you are from it, and I'd forgotten just how truly painful and dark some of those months were.  Joy swelled in my heart though, as I found those entries that held a glimmer of hope in a dark and otherwise hopeless season.  I found myself being thankful again for those people whose names are recorded in this little brown book as those who helped me just barely keep my head above water when I thought I couldn't swim anymore - Joel, Pam, Jason, Stephanie, and Jill.  


There were good memories recorded in those pages too.  I laughed out loud as I read my accounts of spring break in Mexico - sleeping in a flooded tent with Megan, singing the "Friday" song in Justin's van, listening to Ben's stories around the campfire, and recording the "perfect man" interviews in the car with Ashlynn, Kenji, and Matt.  I felt a twinge of sadness as I read about the good times with my beloved 2nd Floor South girls, and realized that my days of being an RA are over forever.  


But best of all, I got to go through and scribble notes in the margins about how God has answered prayers.  There were specific prayers that I had written begging God for a friend - and He sent Megan and the rest of the Mexico crew.  There were times where I was desperately asking for the strength to make through the next moment, hour, day, week - and I made it.  There were moments of such deep discouragement that I was begging God for some little bit of hope or something to smile about - and the next day I would get an encouragement card in the mail or get to have lunch with Joel.  


Some prayers were answered in succinct, specific ways . . . there were circumstances I could point to or a day I could refer to where I knew my cries had been heard and God did something awesome for no other reason than the fact that He loves me. (I'm still not sure why He does, but I'm sure grateful!) But other times, the answer came over a long period of time and is even continuing to this day and beyond.


Case in point:  there were many entries where I was asking God to please confirm His calling in my life . . . did He really mean to call me to ministry or had there been some big mix-up in the heavenly "Life-Plan Book" and this calling was supposed to go to Corrie, not Carrie?  I didn't feel qualified for what He had asked me to do (I still don't) and pursuing a career where I knew I could be successful and "safe" sounded a whole lot more appealing at times.  


My December 28, 2009 entry ended with this question:

Would I be happy, content, and fulfilled if I was spending every day discipling, teaching, and telling kids about Jesus?  I've been spending a lot of time thinking about this and my really honest answer to that question right now is, "I don't know."  But I want to want that.

Six and a half months later I have a different answer to that question.  My answer is, "YES."  So much has happened in those months that God has used to give me a real passion and excitement for what He has called me to do.  From my experiences this year with my wonderful hall, to conversations with Godly men and women in ministry who have encouraged and affirmed me, to the discontent I felt when I suddenly wasn't involved in ministry anymore, I can definitely say that I've come a long ways this year.  Trust me, I definitely know that I haven't "arrived" yet (whatever that is) but it sure is nice to be able to look back and see progress and see how God really does work things together for His purposes.


Mood:  Reflective
Music:  Yellowcard

Big Dreams

Tomorrow my friend Brent is leaving for Europe for at least three months, maybe longer if he "accidently" misses his flight back to the US.  Tonight he posted a list on his blog entitled, "The Bucket List - 94 Things to do in 94 Days" detailing some of things he and his friends want to accomplish by the end of their epic trek through Europe.  As I read through the list, I found myself inspired.  Sure, some of the things were silly ("Bomb a hill on a longboard" and "Don't shower for a week straight") others were classic things you kinda have to do in Europe ("Drink Guinness in a Dublin bar" and "Attend mass in Rome"), some might be considered stupid ("Hitchhike" and "Stay the night on a stranger's couch"), and others were a bit more serious ("Share our testimony with a stranger" and "Be in the Word for 30 days straight").  


As I read though, I could see that this list described some of Brent's big dreams.  I mean seriously, who hasn't dreamed of sleeping in a castle, breaking 100 mph on the Autobahn, or snowboarding in the Alps?  But the difference between most of us and Brent, is that he is DOING IT.  It's the best time in his life to be going on this crazy adventure that most of us only dream about, and he's seizing the opportunity to do what Mark Twain says in this quote:

Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover.   

How many times have I passed by opportunities for adventures and cool experiences simply because I was scared or I didn't have enough details to feel like I was in control of the situation?  I know the answer - it's a LOT.  I like details.  I like feeling like I'm at least somewhat in control of a situation.  I like having a plan, and knowing that I'm prepared for nearly every foreseeable possibility.  And while I fully believe that those types of details are important and that I shouldn't be foolishly running after every whim that catches my fancy, I know that I could probably benefit from a bit more spontaneity and willingness to pursue the passions God has given me more fervently.  


One of my coworkers and I were talking the other day about what we're passionate about, and what we dream of doing with our lives.  This conversation continued to make me think over the next few days and culminated in a very long journal entry one afternoon as I sat at Gov Cup drinking a cup of my favorite chai tea.  So here's a peek into my heart and my dreams - the things that make my heart beat faster, the things that I could talk about animatedly for hours on end, the things I'm passionate about, the things that I desire to have the courage to step out in faith and actually DO.

Last night while Alicia and I were talking, she asked me what my dreams were.  What was I passionate about?  And finally, I can answer that question.  Once I started talking, I almost couldn't stop.  I'm passionate about families.  My dream is to work with parents and children, helping them learn how to have healthy, meaningful relationships with each other.  I want to teach parents the importance of and how to be the primary faith trainers of their children - that it's not the church's job to teach their kids to love God, but that the church is there to partner with parents and work alongside them to train their children.  I want to use the church as a tool to create opportunities for kids and parents to have shared experiences and build stronger relationships as a result of spending time together talking, serving, worshipping, having fun, and learning from each other.  I have a dream of camps and retreats and events designed to give parents and kids the opportunity to actually get to know each other, learn to communicate with each other, spend time actually talking to each other away from the distractions of the cell phone, work, chores, and school.  I dream of helping families understand the value and importance of simple things like eating dinner together and having conversations about what is going on in each other's lives.  I dream of purity retreats that include parents AND their teenager tacking sexual integrity and relationship issues together and having these important conversations before the teen is thrown into the pressure cooker of friends, hormones, and media influences.  I want to see parents and teens not fighting over music, movies, and other media, but learning how to engage and exegete culture together.  I want to see a generation of families that knows how to communication, that has high emotional intelligence, that are learning about themselves, their gifts, and their passions and are encouraging and supporting each other's pursuit of those God-given dreams, gifts, and passions.  I believe that children who are raised in a healthy family and have learned good communication and emotional intelligence skills are going to be a whole heck of a lot more likely to pass on those healthy habits to their own families and children.  

So there you have it - a little glimpse of my own big dreams.  Unlike Brent, pursuing these dreams isn't quite as easy as packing my life into a backpack and jumping on a plane bound for London, but I want to DO IT.  Not just dream about it, and always say, "Someday."  Even though this is a long-term dream, I want to be making baby steps every day towards its fulfillment.  Right now that includes a lot of reading (a pretty fun baby step for me!), a lot of working on my own relationship with Christ, and a lot of becoming more aware of the problems and issues that plague families in the world around me.  I know that for the most part, I'm a hopeless optimist and idealist, and I would like to think that every family is capable of being fully functional and excited and willing to work on their relationships with each other, but I have to continually remind myself that that's not usually the case.  The excerpt from my journal entry above is me being outrageously idealistic, and I know that I need a good dash of realism thrown into the mix as well.  


But for now, this is where I am and these are the things about which I'm learning, discovering, and dreaming.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have a pile of books to read.


Mood:  Contemplative
Music:  The Civil Wars

A New Chapter

Today I graduated from college.  As I described it to my friend Makenna, "I'm now officially full of B.S."  Her response?  "Girl, I knew that WAY before you graduated!"

Is it weird that this graduation really didn't seem like that big of a deal to me?  The amount of people I've had telling me that they're proud of me has been overwhelming, and I am incredibly grateful for all the love and support I've received.  But it doesn't seem like that big of a deal.  I love school.  I love to read.  Sometimes, I even like writing papers.  Sure, there were moments when I wasn't sure I'd make it, but overall, college wasn't that academically hard.  I did what I had to do, I got good grades, and suddenly now, I'm done.  Weird.

But as I was sitting in the gym today with my classmates, my mind kept running to the people sitting behind me, the ones in the black gowns, getting their masters degrees.  I don't want my formal education to stop here; now I just really want the ugly gown in black, and the cool colored hood that looks a lot like an academic version of a superhero cape.  I've been done with finals for a whopping three days, but I'm already wishing I was planning for next semester's classes.  If someone told me I was starting a masters program next week, I'd be ecstatic.  Wow.  I just realized that if you went back through these last couple sentences and substituted "drugs" for everything relating to "degrees" and "education," I'd be a certified junkie.

Academics aside however, I have to say how grateful I am for this place and for everything I've learned here.  Pammie always told me that in reality, the things you learn in the classroom are a pretty small part of what a student learns during their years in college, and I've seen that to be true not only in the lives of my residents but in my own life as well.  Trying to describe what I've learned about myself, relationships, mental and emotional health (both mine and others), how I relate to God, leadership, love, perseverance,  loneliness, pain, and joy would take hours.  And that's just the short list of topics.  I've met people that have forever changed how I think, how I love, how I look at life.  I've walked with people through some of the best and worst times in their lives, and had people walk with me during some of my darkest nights and brightest days.

Just one of the things I've learned about myself in the past three years is that I often try to hold on to the past for longer than I should.  At this moment, 12 hours after I walked across the stage to receive my degree, I desperately don't want this chapter of my life to end.  It's been a good one.  A really good one, and my gut reaction is to try to hold on to it for as long as I possibly can.  But it has to end; all good things do, and I have to let it go.  And that is SO hard for me.

I have no idea what this new season holds.  N-O I-D-E-A.  And that scares the livin' daylights out of me.  I am 22 years old, the proud owner of a BS degree in Student & Family Ministry, and unlike most Corban grads, have no shiny engagement ring on my left hand.  :)  Basically the only thing I know right now is that I have a long weekend of cleaning the dorm ahead of me, and by Monday, hopefully I'll know the next baby step to take.  If this isn't living by faith, I don't know what is.  I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm eagerly anticipating what God will do, and I'm scared out of my mind.  Did I mention the scared part?  Ok, good.

Mood:  Um, scared.  Remember?
Music:  Hillsong

Most Likely To

The Balyo RA's went on a retreat this weekend, and on Saturday night we sat around and played "Most Likely To."  We were all doubled over in laughter most of the night, so I thought I'd share a few of the (appropriate) things that my team voted me most likely to do.

On our team, Carrie is most likely to:
Shave her head.
Wear full body spandex in public.
Marry a millionaire.
Join the military.
Get in a fight with Oprah.
Live in a big city.
Openly gawk at someone attractive.
Go on a reality TV show.
Fall in love with a guy with an accent.
Shop in the wrong gender's clothing department.
Elope.
Eat off the floor.
Crash a wedding to meet cute guys.
Think something is fashionable when it definitely is not.
Get boo-ed off the stage at a talent show.
Fall asleep in class.
Snore in class.
Go to jail.

And that is what my team thinks of me.  Pretty accurate.  :)

Mood:  Laughing
Music:  "Tipsy"  J-Kwon

Snapshots of Mexico

It seems that on almost every trip I take, I become the self-appointed guardian of the quote book.  Spring Break Mexico was no exception.  This is not an all-inclusive list, as the quote book very narrowly avoided being washed away in our flooded tent, but these are definitely a few winners!

"I think they put crack in my hamburger!"  - Megan

"I have a friend who has a friend named . . . Billy."  - Ben

"I touch stuff that's been in China all the time."  - Ben

"So this one time when I was hunting with my uncle . . . "  - Ben

"And then my neighbor ran across the muddy field in his socks."  - Ben

"My uncle shot the nuts off a deer."  - Ben

"This cupcake is like Joel.  White on the outside, but black on the inside."  - Anon

"Did YOU expect there to be chocolate in them???" - Beau

"You've got the voice AND the body, Ben!"  - Karen

"There's someone out there for everyone!"  - Beau

"Thank you for being patient and understanding."  - Matthew/Gary

"Time to wake up!  The stars are shining!"  - JROTC

"Ok guys, you have a $5 limit."  - Natalie

"Suck it up princess!"  - All of the drivers/leaders

"You can blame it on me."  - Lucia

"Hey Carrie, Taco Bell???"  - Matt

"Woof woof!"  - Carrie

"Look!  A California girl!"  - Matt, Ben, and Kenji

"Megan, how do you feel about headbands and tool belts?"  - Matt

"Wear that Drew Ross!"  - Matt

I also realize that most of these won't make sense and/or be funny to anyone outside of our team, but hey, suck it up princess.

Mood:  Happy
Music:  "Show Me the Money"  Petey Pablo

Life is Good

To Do Tonight:
- Finish my Counseling II paper on the long-term effects of divorce on children.
- Do a case study on conflict and relationships.
- Do my math homework.
- Do laundry.
- Clean my room.


What I'm actually doing right now:  Blogging.  Hey, you just can't ignore it when inspiration strikes.


It's been a while since I've been able to say that "life is good" with much conviction in my voice, but tonight I am saying it confidently.  Four days ago, I got home from the most perfect spring break I could have imagined, and even though I know I'm still on a "spring break high," I'm gonna ride this wave as far as it will take me.  :)


In some of my recent musings (refer back to my previous blog post) I came to the solid conclusion that I am still very much an extrovert and that living in solitary confinement would definitely be one of the worst things I could imagine.  Spring break only solidified that conclusion.  From the time we drove out of our school parking lot on Friday morning, I spent the next ten days constantly surrounded by twenty-one other crazy, adventurous, Jesus-loving, funny, creative, and hard-working students as we spent our spring break serving a precious Mexican family.  I spent my days driving endless miles through California, pouring concrete, framing houses, and freezing at the beach, and I spent my nights laughing by the campfire, huddling in a flooding tent with Megan, and just generally being freakishly cold.  We had storytime with my friend Ben (aka, "Papa Hoppa") in the car and around the campfire (every story began with, "This one time when I was hunting with my uncle . . . "), we dried our clothes on sticks over the firepit (and watched lots of them catch on fire), we got addicted to ridiculous roadtrip songs (Friday), we nicknamed the camp next to us the "Jesus ROTC" when they woke up their kids by playing a trumpet at 0530, and we came home dirty, tired, smelly, and oh-so-happy.  This week was so much more refreshing and fulfilling for me than sitting at home sleeping and watching TV ever would have been.  I got to help show a family the love of Christ in a very practical and tangible way and I got to do it alongside some incredible people that brought so much joy to my life.  


Spring break is over though, and this week was the boot camp of papers, tests, and assignments.  Yet, I am still being encouraged by the relationships that were formed in the last two weeks, and I have definitely hit my annual after-spring-break-mode of not wanting the year to end.  


I graduate in thirty-five days, and all of my job options are falling through the cracks.  I have no employment prospects and no place to live.  The number of pages that I must write in the next thirty-five days is pretty astronomical.  But today I'm not even freaking out.  Just last night I read in Psalm 37, "Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him."  God has plans for me, and He knows me even better than I know myself.  Even just these last few weeks have been an exercise in seeing how God has been throwing things into my life when I least expect them, and I'm learning how to jump in and roll with it.  So today all I can do is work my hardest at the place where I am dwelling right now - as a student, as an RA, and as a friend.  


The unknown is a frightening place for my OCD little heart, but even though I have no idea what lies ahead I know that the Lord does and that He is not going to abandon me when May 7 hits.  So tonight, I am grateful.  Grateful for new friends.  Grateful for the blessing that my last three years here have been.  Grateful for the experiences I've been blessed with.  Grateful for peace in the midst of the unknown.

Mood:  Grateful
Music:  Sappy couples talking in the coffee shop

Ah Ha Moment!

Personality types.  They're one of my favorite things to talk about, think about, and read about, so you've most likely heard some of these thoughts at some point in the past.  However, in the past few weeks I've been considering whether I was really as much of an extrovert as I've always thought I was.  I've always tested pretty high in the extrovert areas on various evaluations, but I started to wonder if I was picking the "extrovert" answers on these things just because it was so deeply ingrained in my head that that's what I'm supposed to be.  I mean, others always tell me that I'm outgoing and friendly and usually not afraid to talk to people and let's face it: as an RA and a ministry major, it's sort of a given that I'm supposed to love being around people, right?  


Now I know that being an introvert doesn't mean that you hate people.  I love the definitions of intro/extraverts that explain it as describing how you recharge and where you get your energy.  Introverts refill their emotional tanks by being alone and having some well-deserved and needed "just-me-time" so that they can go back out and give of themselves to others.  Extroverts on the other hand, refill those reservoirs in their soul by spending time with people.  Of course these are very specific people, because not all relationships are of the "refilling" sort.  The reality is that a lot of relationships are very draining, but extroverts recharge by intentionally spending time with people who energize them rather than drain them.  


Last weekend was a long weekend for us, and I chose to stay here at school rather than going home.  Gas is just too expensive.   But most of my hall was gone to some exotic location or another and life was pretty quiet around Balyo for three days.  I spent those three days mostly by myself, sleeping, reading, watching TV and movies, doing homework, and cleaning my room.  I enjoy all of those activities (yes, even homework and cleaning), and at the end of it all, I felt quite physically rested thanks to the massive amounts of sleep I'd gotten.  I started to wonder if maybe I was more of a introvert than I'd thought, because didn't I feel rested and refreshed?  It made some sense; I had chosen to spend most of the weekend alone and the idea had been very appealing to me, but by Tuesday morning when I went back to class, something was missing.  I certainly wasn't "recharged" and ready to plow through the next two months towards graduation.


This weekend has been a bit different.  I left as soon as my last class was done for the day, drove to Vancouver, and talked to Alise on the phone the whole way.  First stop was at my brother's house to have him check on my ever-needy car, then I headed across town to the first installment of a student ministry conference with Dr. Baker.  I got to have dinner with Danny, Baker, and Alyson which was just a blast, and then had a much-needed catch up time at Starbucks with my favorite youth pastor.  Saturday included the rest of the conference and I caught up with my sister and my parents on the phone while I drove back to school.  As soon as I got back in town, I went straight to Brenna's house for a quick dinner/chat, and wound up going to church with her which of course included Steve and Chad and all those awesome people.  I slipped out of church a few minutes early to make it to band practice on time, but after practice I spent a while in the coffee shop with Kelli, Jeff, and Miranda just talking, laughing and catching up on our lives.  Today after church with those three, Mir and I made a whirlwind shopping trip through the mall before I met my lovely RA Madison for a long-overdue coffee date.  We sipped chai and talked about life, men, and graduation and laughed and cried together.  Madi and I went and tried on shoes and discussed options for her date to the Black and White Dance, and just genuinely enjoyed spending time together.  


As I drove home from downtown, I was struck by one thing in particular:  right now, I am feeling so refreshed, full, blessed, and content.  Yes, I was busy this weekend, but I was constantly surrounded by people that I love.  People who encourage and challenge me and genuinely care about me.  It was then that I realized how much I value spending time with people who care about me and how much those interactions emotionally recharge me. 


So here is my conclusion:  Yes, I am still an extrovert.  I got a little less sleep than I probably should have this weekend, but I feel so much more energized to tackle my week than I did last weekend when I was getting 9 or 10 hours a night.  People recharge me, and make me realize just how blessed I am.  And I am very blessed indeed.


Mood:  Content and refreshed
Music:  "The Seasons for Piano, Opus 37" by Tchaikovsky

Windshield Wipers

Tonight it all started with windshield wipers.  My dad bought me new ones as part of my Christmas present (I really needed them!) and since I'm driving up in the mountains in the snow tomorrow, we went out to install them tonight.


Windshield wipers.  They can't be that hard, right?  Just snap the old ones off, and snap the new ones on.  Even I could figure that out, right?


Life Lesson #528:  It's NEVER that easy.


My lovely little German-made car, which I love to death except for when I'm working on it, makes even changing my windshield wipers complicated.  It turned into quite the ordeal, and for a few moments there, I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to wipe the rain off my windshield again.  


About halfway through this process though, I started to panic.  Literally.  All these thoughts started racing through my head and the tears started to well up in my eyes.


"I could have never done this by myself.  What would I have done if my dad wasn't here to help me?  My dad is getting old and is in really bad health.  What am I going to do when he's gone?  Oh my gosh, I'm going to turn into one of those completely helpless women that has to hire a handyman every time they need a lightbulb changed.  I can't be an adult.  I'm not capable of taking care of myself.  I couldn't even take my car to a mechanic if I needed to because I can't afford it.  Am I ever going to be able to make enough money to even pay my rent?  I [almost] have a completely useless college degree.  And a butt-load of debt to go along with it.  I'm not going to be able to get a job, and the loan people are going to come take my car away because that's pretty much the only thing I own that they'd want.  Dad always says that when he's gone, then Joe and Dick will take care of fixing my car for me.  But what if I want to move away?  Great.  I have to live within a 10-mile radius of one of my brothers for the rest of my life."


Insert uncontrollable crying and hyperventilating here.


In case you haven't figured it out from the sampling of my thoughts listed above, I am having some serious doubts about whether or not I can actually do this whole "being an adult" business.  I've tried to express these worries to my parents and my sister, and they don't take me seriously.    And I swear, the next person who says, "Oh don't worry, just get married and your husband will take care of all of this for you!" is going to get my fist in their face.  


Mood:  Freaked out
Music:  None

Hello, I Am . . .

Whoever said that counseling is only for crazy people was a big, fat liar.  Even though I've never until recently had to use professional counseling for myself, I've always been a big fan.  I've always thought there was something cool about having a really smart person that would sit and give you their undivided attention for an hour or so at a time and help guide you through discovering answers to your problems.  Yes, counselors are great at dealing with what we would think of as the "big" problems like major depression, suicide, self-injury, abuse, and things of that sort, but they're also a great resource for when life just seems to be piling up on you and the anxiety and stress seem too overwhelming to tackle.

As an RA, I've recommended counseling to residents and friends and have been fortunate enough to have never been a victim of too much of the old-fashioned stigmas that can go along with it.  "Oh, counseling is only for crazy people.  You're one step away from the mental hospital if you have to go there."  False.  A lot of people that take advantage of the counseling services that colleges offer are pretty normal students like you and me.  It is SO helpful to have someone with a caring, compassionate heart that makes you feel like you are the most important person in the world at that moment, just sit and listen.

I'll admit though, sending that email to set up an appointment was scary.  Actually walking down there and saying to the receptionist (who is a former floormate of mine), "I'm here for my appointment with Stephanie," was also scary and very humbling.  (Oh the joys of a small school where everyone knows everyone, right? :))  Sitting outside her office filling out the questionnaire and watching people that I knew walk by?  Another humbling experience.  The thought kept running through my mind, "I wonder what these people think is wrong with me?  Do they think I'm a psycho crazy person who probably shouldn't be an RA?"  But then I realized that I know a lot of people who I respect greatly that have gone through the counseling program and do I think that they're crazy and weird?  Of course not!  And you know what else?

We all have problems.  None of us have it all together.

I've come to the conclusion that the sooner we can admit that, the more healthy we can be.  Trying to keep up the facade of perfection is exhausting.  And it's a lie.  And I don't want to live my life as a liar!  This is something we talked a lot about during RA training this year, and I think I'm finally starting to grasp a little bit of it and put it into practice.  Especially those of us who spend large portions of our lives pouring into other people desperately need someone to keep US sane.  For me, Stephanie is the only safe person in my life right now that can do that.

Hello . . . I am Carrie.
I am not perfect.
I get overwhelmed with life.
I struggle to mend difficult relationships.
I am lonely.
I need other people.
I can't do this on my own, and I'm not supposed to.
I am not crazy.
But I do need help.
And that is ok.

This is what I hope for.

A friend of mine posted these lyrics on her blog today, and I'm copying them.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

I wish I could say that my peace is flowing like a river these days, but it's not.  It's more like drought season around here.  The sorrows like sea billows rolling?  That's more like it.  


But I want to be able to say that no matter what comes, it is well with my soul.  Of course in the one sense, it IS well with my soul in the fact that I have eternal hope in Christ.  But the day-to-day "wellness" is sorely lacking.


Mood:  Worn out.
Music:  None.

Bathroom Thoughts 2

“Consider it a great joy, my brothers,

whenever you experience various trials,

knowing that the testing of your faith

produces endurance.  But endurance must

do its complete work, so that you may be

mature and complete, lacking nothing.

- James 1:2-4

Trials.  They’re not exactly what we wish for when we plan out our futures, but like it or not, we all have them.  Some are bigger than others, but even the small ones can build up over time and make this journey we call life pretty difficult.

I don’t know about you, but at times during this last month, I’ve felt pretty discouraged, overwhelmed, exhausted, (insert your chosen word here).  A friend brought me back to this verse in James one day, and it really helped change my perspective on how I should be responding when things get tough.  I had been trying to just “plow through” and merely survive the first month of school, but I realized that God had better plans than just my survival.  When I opened up my eyes and looked around, I could see some incredible opportunities for me to grow in my dependence on Christ and in how I was learning to love other people and in a myriad of other areas.  By just trying to survive, I was missing the valuable part of my “trials.” 

James 1 tells us to not just survive, but to “consider it a great joy!”  Why?  Because we want to build endurance, and building endurance hurts.  No one wakes up one morning and decides to run a marathon that day.  It takes months of training and preparation that can be unpleasant at times.  But the payoff is pretty exhilarating.

And isn’t that payoff our goal?  I want to be mature and complete in Christ, lacking nothing, and according to this verse, that doesn’t come through the mountaintop experiences, but through the valleys. 

So when you’re feeling like the trials just keep piling up, remember that you’re building endurance.  Look for what God is trying to teach you through difficult circumstances.  And reach out to those around you.  We’re in this together.  Each one of us is an adopted daughter of God, so you know what that makes us?  Sisters.  

Bathroom Thoughts 1

So as part of my job as an RA this year, I am writing a series of mini-devotions to post on the inside of the stalls in my hall bathroom every week.  Encouragement while you're takin' care of business, right?  I figured I'd post them on here as well just in case anyone else would like to read them too.  :)

“Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

-       Psalm 46:10

On more days than I would like to admit, I find myself ridiculously stressed out because my To-Do List seems to be a mile long.  But of course, being my usual perfectionist-self, I simply will not be satisfied unless everything on that list is done well.  But you know what I forget?

I am not Wonder Woman.

And neither are you.

I have a bad tendency to overload myself, to say yes to every single thing that someone asks me to do.  The last few months have been a process of me trying to learn to tell the difference between what is “good” and what is “best.”  Just because something is “good” doesn’t mean that I need to say yes.  In fact, even the good things are bad if they are not on God’s agenda for me.

And I think if we would admit it, we’re all people-pleasers to some extent.  We want people to like us and to be proud of us, so we stress out trying to do everything, be everything, and still maintain our sanity.  Eventually though, we find that it doesn’t work.

So today, let’s stop trying to be a one-woman superhero, out to save the world, and rest in the fact that God is on His throne.  Like the verse in Psalms says, He will be exalted in the earth with or without my minor contributions. 

It takes some of the pressure off, doesn’t it?

My Week in a List

So in case you haven’t noticed, my school has gotten off to a rather rocky start. My relationship with my team (my RD and the other RA’s in my building) is unfortunately not the best and that’s been a big struggle. Having two roommates that are best friends is really hard, and most of the time I feel like an imposter in my own room.

However, school FINALLY started on Wednesday and there have just been so many things to be thankful for this week!

• I really like all my classes. They’re all interesting and applicable and I actually enjoy going to class!
• The content of RA Training was wonderful. The retreat was a blast, the workshops were incredibly helpful and I learned so much. Student Life knocked it out of the park this year.
• I’m SO close to being able to pay off this semester of school. God just keeps providing money from unexpected places and the amount that I owe just keeps getting lower and lower!
• My hall is pretty much awesome. I’m so excited to spend more time with them and get to know them. We’re gonna have such a great year!
• I auditioned for worship band on Thursday and today I got an email saying I’d made a team! I’m really excited to have a chance to play again on a band and use my little bit of talent to worship the Lord.
• Finally, today was the best Friday ever! I woke up to a text from Ben saying that he was on campus so we had coffee together before my first class and it was SO good to see him. Then Kelli (aka, Roommate) came by for chapel so I got to see/talk to/hang out with her. I want her to come back and be my roommate again! Michelle came by to visit too so I got to eat lunch and catch up with her. Finally, the Balyo girls went Ice Blocking after classes. Mucho fun? I think yes.

Mood: Happy
Music: I can hear the Davidson Boys “Mocha Freestyle” wresting tournament going on next door. Creepy.

A Breath of Fresh Air

As an RA and with the rapidly growing social life that comes with Junior status, my weekends are decidedly B-U-S-Y. On an average weekend, I spend very little time in my room and see my roommate very rarely. I'm not complaining about this; I thrive on being busy and I love spending time with cool people and doing fun, crazy, and ridiculous things. This weekend was shaping up to be about the same as normal: tonight I planned to go to dinner, head over to Judson to play "The Game that Cannot be Named" with my fellow ministry majors for an hour or so, come back to school to play Capture the Flag in the dark with the Outlet group, then go to Shari's for hot chocolate with my PVG friends, and collapse into bed at some point after 1:30 am. Tomorrow I have RA class from 9-1, and immediately following class I'm heading north to spend the weekend in the city with my lovely team. I'll get home on Sunday just in time to dash to worship practice, immediately followed by dinner with Danny and Sean, RA business meeting, and homework for Monday, once again collapsing into bed at approximately 2 am if I'm lucky. This is an average weekend for me. And I love it.

But tonight I was vacuuming my room before dinner (my usual Friday night routine; gotta have the place clean for open dorms you know!) when Michelle asked if I wanted to go dress shopping with her and Brenna and Mikayla for our night out on the town this weekend. So we head off to Ross, watch Michelle try on dozens of dresses with no success, and head back to school for dinner. My plan was still to grab a quick bite, head over to Judson and proceed with my evening plans.

Somewhere in the course of dinner though, between Rick and Brent and Sam and Taylor throwing random food items at us, and Joel stealing my keys, and a spontaneous time of my table sharing parts of our testimonies and the necessity of being transparent, I decided that I wasn't going anywhere. I called Melissa, apologized for the late notice, but said I wasn't gonna make it tonight. I texted my roommate so she wouldn't worry when I didn't show up.

I'm so glad I did.

I spent the evening watching a movie with Michelle, Brenna, Mikayla, and Sam and working on organizing my planner for the rest of the semester. We kicked Sam out at 10:00 and then we talked, laughed, ran to Taco Bell, figured out clothes and jewelry for this weekend, and hung out in the coffee shop eating our tacos. We shared our hearts with each other . . . transparency seemed to be the theme of the night, and we had such great conversations about the expectations we try to live up to and how hard it is to admit your brokenness in the face of those expectations.

Tonight was a blessing. There's no other way to describe it. I needed this time to relax, recharge, and be encouraged by my sisters in Christ. The Lord knew what I needed tonight, and He made sure I got it, even if it meant completely derailing my plans. And His plan was better. Big surprise there, right?

Mood: Tired and content
Music: None

A Bit of My Heart

I want . . .

. . . to be content . . .

. . . to be adventurous . . .

. . . to be loved . . .

. . . to be independent . . .

. . . to be caught up . . .

. . . to be spontaneous . . .

. . . to be passionate . . .

. . . to be wise . . .

. . . to be obedient . . .

. . . to be loving . . .

. . . to be real . . .

. . . to be courageous . . .

. . . to be at peace . . .

. . . to be unafraid . . .

. . . to be strong . . .

. . . to be weak . . .

. . . to be more like Jesus.

Airports and Adventures

I'm sitting at PDX on a gorgeous Oregon afternoon, watching the planes taking off and landing and observing the people milling all around me. I love airports. For one, of course, I'm obsessed with flight and traveling by plane just makes me happy, but I also love watching the people. I like to watch them walk by and imagine who they are and where they're going. Maybe the man sitting behind me is a businessman coming home from a trip, eager to see his family. Maybe the family over to my left is going to visit Grandma in Phoenix. Maybe the redheaded guy with the backpack is a college student like me, being spontaneous and taking a crazy trip just because he can. Yes, I admit, I'm a people-watcher.

My plane just got here, and I saw a guy with possibly the coolest dredlocks I've ever seen get off of it. He made my day. Thanks, dredlocks guy.

So I'm off to not-so-sunny California and no matter the weather, it's going to be a great weekend just because I get to spend it with Alise! :)

Mood: Excited
Music: None. I forgot my headphones, doggoneit.

An Unexpected Blessing

During my last year and a half at school, I've struggled with sometimes all-too-frequent feelings of intense loneliness and feeling like I don't really belong anywhere. Like I've said before, it's amazing how one can be so incredibly lonely in the midst of so many people. This year though, in the midst of the loneliness and confusion, the Lord answered my cries in a new way. He gave me my RA team.

When it comes time to go home from school for breaks, I've always secretly laughed at the girls who cried and hugged and went on and on about how much they would miss the girls on their floor while they were gone. I've always hugged my hall girls and went home happily, never wasting valuable break time missing people from school. A couple days into Christmas break this year though, I felt a feeling I'd never felt before. I realized that I missed my team. A lot.

It's been a weird holiday so far, and a few days into it, I found myself just wanting to hang out with Michelle, Joel, Brenna, Brady, Madison, Vince, Kristy, Steve, Amanda and Pam. These ten "get me," at least better than anyone else at school does. They have been such a part of combating the loneliness that has been such a big part of the last year and a half, and I'm so grateful for that. It's not that I didn't have friends before this year; I have lots of "friends" at school actually. But these guys are the quality, not the quantity that I've been needing.

Thank You Jesus that You knew what I needed this year long before I did. Thank You for this incredible, unexpected blessing!

Mood: Grateful
Music: Phil Wickham

The Giving of Thanks Part 2

I was driving downtown to the mall today, heard the song "Low" by Flo Rida on the radio, and just had to chuckle because my friend Joel immediately came to mind. You see, residence life this year could aptly be summed up in the phrase "The Year of the Dance Party." During RA training, we had an actual workshop on how to host a great dance parties, complete with a YouTube tutorial on basic moves. (Milk the Cow, anyone?) Since that point, I have attended more dance parties than in all my 20 years combined, and although it's still awkward, and I still feel like a foal who's just learning to walk, they're ridiculous amounts of fun. Although at first glance Joel seems like the least likely person to ever start busting out a move at our little shindigs, you can always find him in the middle of the dance circle singing and grooving to his heart's content.

Joel is one of those people that when I first met him I immediately thought, "He and I are going to be very good friends!" And a good friend he has indeed proven to be. He ended up being my Davidson brother hall, so I've had the privilege of cheering for him and his boys at the Lumberjack games, making them cookies and Christmas cards, and when the BAD Civil War comes around in the Spring, we'll be Northside teammates. It's been a blessing to have a brother like Joel be a part of my life this year, and I look forward to many more dance parties with him!

Then I started thinking about food because I was hungry, which made me think of my beloved RD, Pam, and the many meals she's cooked for our team. Pam, Jason, Lexy, and Max are such a precious family, and it has been such an honor to spend so many hours with them in their home this year. Pam cares so much for each of us girls, and I have learned so much from her about relating to and loving people in the last four months. She's honest and real about her own struggles, which makes her so very approachable and a safe place to be real. She told the RA team last Sunday night that this is her last year as an RD in Balyo, and I can't even tell you how much she'll be missed. Jason is like a dad to us RAs, and we know that he'll happily do the background work on any guy we might want to date. :) Just last Tuesday, I spent a couple hours with Max (Pam and Jason's 6-year-old) while he was home from school sick, watching Tom & Jerry and playing Sorry while Pam was in a meeting. From Chinese food lunch dates with Pam to watching football games with Jason to hanging out with Lexy and Max, getting to know the Hortons this year has been such an incredible blessing.

As I was considering my life today, I realized how much I love the place I'm at. I'm going to school and studying something I love; I am living life with thirteen unique and talented young women who I am growing to love more and more every day; I work with a team of student leaders who constantly encourage me and love on me and challenge me to be a better Christian, a better RA, and a better student. The BAD Team (Balyo and Davidson) melded together from the start of training this year, and we have SO much fun together! Just last Monday we hosted a Christmas party for 150 residents complete with an ugly Christmas sweater contest, egg nog chugging, and many games of Elf Ninja. Of course by the end, it just became a big dance party which was a perfect ending to the night! :)

But back to homework now. Dead week is drawing to a close (which isn't really very dead here, but the students are certainly dead at the end of it!) and we're getting ready to head into finals. I don't sleep much these days (my nights usually consist of homework until 3 or 4 in the morning, broken up by talking to Martini about 1am and Ben about 2am on FB chat) then getting up to tackle another day on less than 5 hours of sleep and catching catnaps when I can. But I'm not complaining. Life is good, despite finals, and I am so incredibly blessed.

Mood: COLD!
Music: TV in the background.

My Response to Psalm 136

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting." (Ps. 136:1)

He is the One who sustains me,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He wraps me in His arms of love,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He is able to do so much more than I could ever ask or think,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He will never leave me or forsake me,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He is Everything I need,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He can soften even the hardest heart,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He loves order and beauty,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He paints a masterpiece with every sunset,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He knows every star by name,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He is big enough to satisfy all my desires,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
But He is personal enough to care when I'm hurt and crying,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting.

Reflections On My Current Life

Tomorrow I go back to school for the final push before Christmas break. The Thanksgiving holiday this year was both good and hard. Not being able to come home much this year has made me appreciate home ever so much more. Not having Alise in town has forced me to stick around home a little more when I am here and spend more time with my family. (There's a silver lining in every cloud, right?!) I enjoyed every second of baking pies, playing board games with the people I love, coloring and cooking and laughing with the kiddos, shopping with my Mom, and working outside with my Dad.

On Thanksgiving morning though, the phone rang at 6:30 am. Jerry (Dick's dad) had died and Mom went down to stay with the kids so Dick and Christina could go over there. We all knew this was coming. He had been sick for so long and for the last week he had been completely unresponsive, so we knew the end was near. But I don't think that anything could prepare a person for that shock. It was so hard seeing my brother and sister in so much pain. Christina's grief was much more open than Dick's was, but it was easy to see the pain etched all over even my normally very non-emotional brother's face. They came over to Thanksgiving dinner, but Dick was even quieter than usual and spent most of the time sitting in the recliner. I never know what to do or say in situations like these, especially with someone like Dick. He's so quiet and reserved, that I'm not sure if he would rather avoid the topic or if he needed to be told how sorry I was. My sister is a little easier, because she cries a lot and I can easily hug her and tell her how much I love her.

So overall, Thanksgiving was not a happy day, but it was still a blessing to spend it with my family. I keep being reminded though, of Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." For quite a few months now, as I've been praying for Dick, I keep getting the feeling that God is at work in his life, and that there could be a spiritual breakthrough coming. My prayer for Dick right now, is that his dad's death will cause him (as well as his brothers and sister) to think about the important things of life. Maybe this will be the stimulus that will prod Dick to start asking the hard questions and to start seeking the Lord in his own life.

I'm dreading going back to Oregon tomorrow. If I had my way, I'd hole up in Lewis County and very rarely leave. But there's only three weeks until Christmas break, and I need to finish this semester out strong. My heart is here though. I love this place, I love these people, I love my life here. I really enjoy traveling, but this is the place I want to come home to. This is where I want to live out my life, minister, raise my kids, and grow old and die.

It's funny how life changes. I realized something tonight, and I sent Alise this text. "A year ago this week, we were all together. You, me, Anthony, Ben, and Jordon. Watching "Kingdom of Heaven" at Ben's house and sitting in Gee Cees until 2am. Remember that?" It was the first time we'd all been together in over a year because of Ben and I and Jordon going off to school and Anthony being deployed to Asia and Alise being in the Middle East for three months. Now, it's a year later and the idea of all of us being together again isn't even in the foreseeable future. Tony is married and splitting his time between San Diego with his wife, and Bremerton with his ship. Alise is living in California. Ben and I are still in Oregon. Jordon will probably be married by next summer. Another night like that one at the Martin's house a year ago will probably never happen again. October in San Diego was close to a reunion . . . four out of the five of us in one place, but it wasn't quite complete without Jordon. In the words of Alise, "I miss us."

Speaking of the future, my parents have been dropping ridiculous hints about me getting married. On Wednesday they were talking about car insurance and informed that if I get married by the time I'm 21, my insurance premiums will go down. "We were hoping you'd come home with some big news at Thanksgiving, so you'd better get on that!" I think they were only partially joking.

Then this morning, my mom and I were shopping for Christmas presents and we found the cutest little Carhartt sweatshirt that we wanted to buy for Ryan. I was lamenting that Ryan was the last little boy that I could buy flannel and camouflage for, and my mom gave me a knowing look and said, "Oh no, I'm sure he won't be the last, you'll contribute to the grandchildren soon!" Great. Now Mom is just waiting for me to add to the grandchild population. Do they realize that no guy is even interested in me? Well, I'm pretty sure they think I'm dating someone and just haven't told them, but that's another story altogether. Sorry Mom and Dad, I'm working on the getting married and having babies business, but it's a process that just can't be rushed.

Mood: A bit random
Music: "Mother Gigogne and the Clowns" from The Nutcracker

The Giving of Thanks

Over the past six to nine months, God has been teaching and re-teaching me to focus on His blessings to me and thank Him continually for all He has done in my life. So since today is Thanksgiving, I thought I'd write down a few of the many people and things for which I am so grateful.

• My Parents: Despite all the heck I've put them through being the VERY non-traditional and black sheep daughter, they still love me so much. Though in some situations it has taken longer than in others, they've supported me in all my decisions, even though they don't really understand why I do some of the things I do. My Mom is the one who laid deep spiritual foundations in my life and modeled for me what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus. My Daddy is the smartest and most trustworthy man I have ever met, completely devoted to his family and never gives up. I love you guys, and God couldn't have given me better parents than you!
• Christina & Dick: I am so blessed to be able to say that my sister is also one of my best friends. Who would have thought that with 15 years between us, that kind of relationships would even be possible? But it's true, and I can't imagine life without her and her husband and her crazy kiddos. Dick is truly my brother, since I really can't remember much of life before he was a part of it. He worries about me and fixes my car for me and is so good to my sister. What more could I ask for?
• Joe & Carol: The things my brother and I have in common are kind of an odd smorgasbord of seemingly unrelated interests, but there's few people in the world that share my love of hiking and Apple computers like Joe does. He has always been my big brother and my hero; I always wanted to be like him. God has given him the gift of compassion and an ability to help people in pain, both medically and mentally, and I marvel at what an amazing doctor he is. Like my dad, he is a wonderful husband and father, and I hope and pray that someday my husband will be as good and loving to his kids as Joe is. I couldn't have asked for a better sister-in-law than Carol. She fits so seamlessly into our family, you'd never know she's only been here for eight years.
• Danny & Sean: Yes, I have an amazing family, but the Lord knew that I needed a second family as well. In the areas where Mom and Dad kind of scratch their heads about me, Danny and Sean understand my passion and my dreams and my vision and cheer me on even when it seems like no one else is there. In the areas where my family lacks communication, they are the ones I can talk to. When a guy shows up in my life and wants to date me, Danny is the one he'll have to talk to.
• Alise: I don't even know where to start with this girl. She understands me like no one else does. She's the person that I can talk to when even I don't quite understand what I'm thinking, and she'll help me piece it together. I can talk to her about everything from where I'm struggling in my walk with the Lord to the ridiculous talk about boys. I know that no matter how far away we are on the map, and no matter what the future holds, we will always be friends . . . that's just how it is. She can't get rid of me very easily!
• Ben: My friendship with this guy has survived some interesting hurdles, but it has definitely come out stronger because of them. He's easily one of the only people that I would even attempt a San Diego road trip with (there and back in one weekend) and the fact that after 36 hours in the car together we don't hate each other, is a miracle in itself! No matter what the future holds, Ben will always have a special place in my heart, and he is a tremendous blessing in my life.
• Danielle: She started out as my high school English teacher, and now I am blessed to consider her a true kindred spirit and friend! She is one of the easiest people I know to talk to, and just being with her makes me feel warm and comfortable. She is such a talented young woman with so much to offer, and I wait in joyful anticipation to see where God will lead her. No matter how long it's been since I last saw her, I feel like I can always sit down with Dani and pick up right where we left off!
• My RA Team: Kristy, Madi, Brenna, Michelle, and Amanda have become probably my closest friends at school this year. As RAs, we experience college life in a way that other students do not, and the six of us share many joys and sorrows. I love each one of them so dearly and I'm honored to serve the Balyo girls alongside them. Vince, Steve, Brady, and Joel, my brother dorm RAs, have blessed my life so much this year as well. It is such a joy to see these guys serving the Lord and serving their peers with such joyful hearts. They continually remind me that yes, there ARE amazing Godly young men still out there, and encourage me to keep my standards set high!

I could literally go on and on and on. But . . . It's 1:30AM now, and I'm getting up in 2 1/2 hours to go Black Friday shopping with Mom. So this may or may not be continued at a later date. But as I look over this list again, my heart sings praise because the Lord has indeed blessed me so abundantly. And this list is only the beginning of the people He's blessed me with . . . I haven't even touched on things like the blessing of my school, my job, my ministry as an RA, my church, and living in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. Sometimes the sheer immensity of it all threatens to overwhelm me, and all I can say is, "Thank You Jesus."

Mood: Grateful

Music: Nutcracker music

Tears

There is a crying party going on in my room right now. Girls are sitting on my couch holding each other and bawling. Lots of kleenex are involved.

I feel like this is a phenomenon that I will never fully understand. I don't like to cry in front of people. In fact, I will go to great lengths to make sure that people do not see me cry.  But when I do, I try my best to be alone when the tears flow.  And when those times come, I bawl and sob and sniff and wail, but I do it by myself.

So maybe it's just my personality? Maybe it's because I'm not much of a girly-girl? But whatever the reason, I don't understand crying parties. Why on earth one would want to be in a room with a bunch of people, multiple boxes of kleenex, and millions of tears is beyond me.

Mood: Contemplative
Music: Rain outside

Thoughts From Tonight

I'm sitting in my room with my feet propped up on my desk listening to a hum-dinger of a wind/rain storm howl outside my window. In my current position, my feet and my gluteus maximus will "fall asleep" in approximately 5-10 minutes, but that's ok. Right now I am oh-so-comfortable.

Today as I was meeting with Dr. Baker to schedule my spring semester classes, he mentioned that we'll be filling out my graduation application soon. Talk about a rather frightening moment. Eighteen months from now, Lord willing, I'll walk out of this institution with a Bachelors degree in Student and Family Ministry, about $45,000 in debt, and from my current point of view, no clue what to do with that piece of paper I spent so much time and money acquiring. I am a female, Southern Baptist, ministry major who is basically expected to use that degree to be a really good volunteer Sunday School teacher. Now trust me, I don't have anything against being a Sunday School teacher; I think that those men and women are some of the most influential and wonderful people in a kid's life, and I'm sure I will spend a lot of time doing just that, no matter what my career plans end up looking like, and that will be an incredible honor, but I feel like God has called me to something else too.

I did quite a bit of research on seminary graduate programs tonight, and I was left feeling a bit perplexed. Why do I even want to go to seminary? Spending that much more money on ministry education will definitely not be worth it financially. However, I do love school, I really do. I like learning new things, I like reading, and yes, I even like writing papers. (Which is what I should be doing right now, but that's another story!) The only practical reason for me to get my MDiv would be so that I could be a college professor. And is that what I want to do? Not necessarily, but I wouldn't rule it out. I love writing, and one of my favorite classes so far has been my Curriculum Development class where I wrote a Bible Study. I could write?

So these thoughts don't make a lot of sense, but oh well. That's all for tonight, I need to finish writing my exegetical now.

Mood: Contemplative
Music: The rain outside :)

Layers

Tonight in our RA meeting we talked about layers and we made these little "Layer Jars." You know, those things you used to make in elementary school where you take a clear jar and pour the layers of sand into it to create a cool design. There are a lot of parallels that one can draw from our little object lesson, and we talked about several different aspect of layers - good and bad reasons that people layer their lives, layers in our own lives, layers in the lives of girls in our halls, how to dig into those layers, etc. The point that stuck out to me though was the idea of layers in my own life, and an off-hand comment that Pam made about the colors we chose for the layers in our jars.



These are pictures of the layer jar I made. As we were all sitting there looking at each other's jars, Pam made some funny comments about them and about the colors we'd ended with. Kristy's was yellow like the bright, happy, sunshine-y person that she is; Madi's was orange, a deeper, rich and slightly less in-your-face joy, etc. Inadvertently, I realized, each one of us had chose an ending color that in some way really did describe that outer layer of ourselves - the one that most of the world sees and the one that tends to define us.

Mine was brown. It's a really normal color, it's not bright and flashy, it's the color of the everyday things we see all around us. It's dirt, it's tree trunks, it's rocks, and it's a river at flood stage. It's a little dull, it's not the first thing people notice. Way too often I realize that I'm comparing myself to the sunshine people and the and the rainbow people and the blue sky people, and I always come up short. I'm not a super gifted teacher or speaker; I'm not the one that the kids always gravitate towards; I'm not outgoing or dynamic like all the good youth leaders I know; I don't have a unified, fun-loving hall like the other RA on my floor; I screw up so often, and it always seems like I'm surrounded by people who have it all together. Gosh, I admit it, a lot of times I do feel like dirt - ordinary, unimportant, and altogether substandard when compared to the things around me. But I forget that dirt has its place too. How would flowers grow without the dirt? How could little kids make mud pies without dirt? How could people make adobe bricks without dirt? It's not flashy and it's not dynamic, but it has its place and it serves a purpose. God has made me EXACTLY who He wanted me to be. At this particular point in my life, I'm not supposed to be the "sunshine girl" who is dynamic and outgoing, or the "blue sky girl" who the little kids all love and cling to, or the "rainbow girl" who always has the right words to say at just the right times. God will grow me and stretch me in the ways that He needs me to be grown and stretched in order to fit His purposes in His timing. Yes, I think that He's called me to youth ministry, and in these moments where I'm being honest and vulnerable, that scares me out of my mind. When I look at myself, I don't see someone who is a good candidate for leading teenagers. I see dirt and rocks and tree trunks and muddy rivers. But God sees who I can become if I'll just submit all my "brown-ness" to Him and let him mold me into something He can use. Because hey, clay is brown too, and the good thing about clay is that it's easily moldable. Oh Jesus, please let me be brown clay that You can make into something useable.

The second thing I thought about as we were making our jars, was about those layers beneath the brown. Getting to those other colors requires some digging, some time, and some effort before someone can really see what's under the initial brown on top. I started wondering: Do I really have people in my life who even know that there's greens and blues down there? Do I have people in my life who know that there are even more brown patches beneath the surface? As I thought about it, a couple people came immediately to mind - Alise and Sean and Danny - but there's definitely no one in my life here in Salem that knows my deeper layers. Those three people that I already mentioned mean the world to me, and it's a comfort to know that they are always only a phone call away and they would do anything in their power for me if I needed it, but at the same time, they're not HERE. They're in CR and SoCal and they're not walking through everyday life with me during this season. That's definitely not their faults, or anyone else's; it's just how life is. But I am lonely. It's funny how I can live in a building with 90 other young women and still feel so utterly alone sometimes. There's no one here who really knows me, who knows what makes me "tick," who knows what I'm passionate about, who knows what I struggle with, who knows ME at my core. And that, my friend, really sucks. If there's anything I re-realized in these past few days, it's how much I value relationships. I desperately want to know people and be known by others. I want to really live in community and share my life with others. I need to be held accountable and be spurred on in my walk with the Lord. I want to be known. But that seems like an overwhelming request. How do I go about that? How can I have that sort of relationship with someone here, at school, in the insanity that is my life?

So many questions. But questions are good. You can't find answers until you first ask the questions.

Mood: Contemplative

Music: None

Trilingual Journaling

Now when I write the phrase "trilingual," I am in no way implying that yours truly is trilingual. I do know selected phrases from a smattering of languages though, and tonight as I was journaling, I realized that I had words in three different languages written on my page. The first, of course, was English.

Yes, shocking I know, but I about 95.4% of the time I tend to journal in my heart language of English. But I was writing about some new Greek vocabulary words I was working on, and I had just learned the word for peace, which brings me to language number two.

That is the word for "peace" in Greek. It's the word used in John 14:27 when Jesus says, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." I was writing about an area in my life in which I really don't have that peace; an area in which I am very troubled and afraid, and I decided that being troubled and afraid was no good. Or, as I put it in the third language:

Jesus offers peace, in every area of my life. In my relationships, in my academics, in my work, in my family. Man, I have GOT to take Him up on that, because this no-peace thing is exhausting.

Mood: Moving towards peaceful.

Music: My roommate talking in her sleep again.