Windshield Wipers

Tonight it all started with windshield wipers.  My dad bought me new ones as part of my Christmas present (I really needed them!) and since I'm driving up in the mountains in the snow tomorrow, we went out to install them tonight.


Windshield wipers.  They can't be that hard, right?  Just snap the old ones off, and snap the new ones on.  Even I could figure that out, right?


Life Lesson #528:  It's NEVER that easy.


My lovely little German-made car, which I love to death except for when I'm working on it, makes even changing my windshield wipers complicated.  It turned into quite the ordeal, and for a few moments there, I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to wipe the rain off my windshield again.  


About halfway through this process though, I started to panic.  Literally.  All these thoughts started racing through my head and the tears started to well up in my eyes.


"I could have never done this by myself.  What would I have done if my dad wasn't here to help me?  My dad is getting old and is in really bad health.  What am I going to do when he's gone?  Oh my gosh, I'm going to turn into one of those completely helpless women that has to hire a handyman every time they need a lightbulb changed.  I can't be an adult.  I'm not capable of taking care of myself.  I couldn't even take my car to a mechanic if I needed to because I can't afford it.  Am I ever going to be able to make enough money to even pay my rent?  I [almost] have a completely useless college degree.  And a butt-load of debt to go along with it.  I'm not going to be able to get a job, and the loan people are going to come take my car away because that's pretty much the only thing I own that they'd want.  Dad always says that when he's gone, then Joe and Dick will take care of fixing my car for me.  But what if I want to move away?  Great.  I have to live within a 10-mile radius of one of my brothers for the rest of my life."


Insert uncontrollable crying and hyperventilating here.


In case you haven't figured it out from the sampling of my thoughts listed above, I am having some serious doubts about whether or not I can actually do this whole "being an adult" business.  I've tried to express these worries to my parents and my sister, and they don't take me seriously.    And I swear, the next person who says, "Oh don't worry, just get married and your husband will take care of all of this for you!" is going to get my fist in their face.  


Mood:  Freaked out
Music:  None

Hello, I Am . . .

Whoever said that counseling is only for crazy people was a big, fat liar.  Even though I've never until recently had to use professional counseling for myself, I've always been a big fan.  I've always thought there was something cool about having a really smart person that would sit and give you their undivided attention for an hour or so at a time and help guide you through discovering answers to your problems.  Yes, counselors are great at dealing with what we would think of as the "big" problems like major depression, suicide, self-injury, abuse, and things of that sort, but they're also a great resource for when life just seems to be piling up on you and the anxiety and stress seem too overwhelming to tackle.

As an RA, I've recommended counseling to residents and friends and have been fortunate enough to have never been a victim of too much of the old-fashioned stigmas that can go along with it.  "Oh, counseling is only for crazy people.  You're one step away from the mental hospital if you have to go there."  False.  A lot of people that take advantage of the counseling services that colleges offer are pretty normal students like you and me.  It is SO helpful to have someone with a caring, compassionate heart that makes you feel like you are the most important person in the world at that moment, just sit and listen.

I'll admit though, sending that email to set up an appointment was scary.  Actually walking down there and saying to the receptionist (who is a former floormate of mine), "I'm here for my appointment with Stephanie," was also scary and very humbling.  (Oh the joys of a small school where everyone knows everyone, right? :))  Sitting outside her office filling out the questionnaire and watching people that I knew walk by?  Another humbling experience.  The thought kept running through my mind, "I wonder what these people think is wrong with me?  Do they think I'm a psycho crazy person who probably shouldn't be an RA?"  But then I realized that I know a lot of people who I respect greatly that have gone through the counseling program and do I think that they're crazy and weird?  Of course not!  And you know what else?

We all have problems.  None of us have it all together.

I've come to the conclusion that the sooner we can admit that, the more healthy we can be.  Trying to keep up the facade of perfection is exhausting.  And it's a lie.  And I don't want to live my life as a liar!  This is something we talked a lot about during RA training this year, and I think I'm finally starting to grasp a little bit of it and put it into practice.  Especially those of us who spend large portions of our lives pouring into other people desperately need someone to keep US sane.  For me, Stephanie is the only safe person in my life right now that can do that.

Hello . . . I am Carrie.
I am not perfect.
I get overwhelmed with life.
I struggle to mend difficult relationships.
I am lonely.
I need other people.
I can't do this on my own, and I'm not supposed to.
I am not crazy.
But I do need help.
And that is ok.

This is what I hope for.

A friend of mine posted these lyrics on her blog today, and I'm copying them.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

I wish I could say that my peace is flowing like a river these days, but it's not.  It's more like drought season around here.  The sorrows like sea billows rolling?  That's more like it.  


But I want to be able to say that no matter what comes, it is well with my soul.  Of course in the one sense, it IS well with my soul in the fact that I have eternal hope in Christ.  But the day-to-day "wellness" is sorely lacking.


Mood:  Worn out.
Music:  None.

Bathroom Thoughts 2

“Consider it a great joy, my brothers,

whenever you experience various trials,

knowing that the testing of your faith

produces endurance.  But endurance must

do its complete work, so that you may be

mature and complete, lacking nothing.

- James 1:2-4

Trials.  They’re not exactly what we wish for when we plan out our futures, but like it or not, we all have them.  Some are bigger than others, but even the small ones can build up over time and make this journey we call life pretty difficult.

I don’t know about you, but at times during this last month, I’ve felt pretty discouraged, overwhelmed, exhausted, (insert your chosen word here).  A friend brought me back to this verse in James one day, and it really helped change my perspective on how I should be responding when things get tough.  I had been trying to just “plow through” and merely survive the first month of school, but I realized that God had better plans than just my survival.  When I opened up my eyes and looked around, I could see some incredible opportunities for me to grow in my dependence on Christ and in how I was learning to love other people and in a myriad of other areas.  By just trying to survive, I was missing the valuable part of my “trials.” 

James 1 tells us to not just survive, but to “consider it a great joy!”  Why?  Because we want to build endurance, and building endurance hurts.  No one wakes up one morning and decides to run a marathon that day.  It takes months of training and preparation that can be unpleasant at times.  But the payoff is pretty exhilarating.

And isn’t that payoff our goal?  I want to be mature and complete in Christ, lacking nothing, and according to this verse, that doesn’t come through the mountaintop experiences, but through the valleys. 

So when you’re feeling like the trials just keep piling up, remember that you’re building endurance.  Look for what God is trying to teach you through difficult circumstances.  And reach out to those around you.  We’re in this together.  Each one of us is an adopted daughter of God, so you know what that makes us?  Sisters.  

Bathroom Thoughts 1

So as part of my job as an RA this year, I am writing a series of mini-devotions to post on the inside of the stalls in my hall bathroom every week.  Encouragement while you're takin' care of business, right?  I figured I'd post them on here as well just in case anyone else would like to read them too.  :)

“Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

-       Psalm 46:10

On more days than I would like to admit, I find myself ridiculously stressed out because my To-Do List seems to be a mile long.  But of course, being my usual perfectionist-self, I simply will not be satisfied unless everything on that list is done well.  But you know what I forget?

I am not Wonder Woman.

And neither are you.

I have a bad tendency to overload myself, to say yes to every single thing that someone asks me to do.  The last few months have been a process of me trying to learn to tell the difference between what is “good” and what is “best.”  Just because something is “good” doesn’t mean that I need to say yes.  In fact, even the good things are bad if they are not on God’s agenda for me.

And I think if we would admit it, we’re all people-pleasers to some extent.  We want people to like us and to be proud of us, so we stress out trying to do everything, be everything, and still maintain our sanity.  Eventually though, we find that it doesn’t work.

So today, let’s stop trying to be a one-woman superhero, out to save the world, and rest in the fact that God is on His throne.  Like the verse in Psalms says, He will be exalted in the earth with or without my minor contributions. 

It takes some of the pressure off, doesn’t it?

My Week in a List

So in case you haven’t noticed, my school has gotten off to a rather rocky start. My relationship with my team (my RD and the other RA’s in my building) is unfortunately not the best and that’s been a big struggle. Having two roommates that are best friends is really hard, and most of the time I feel like an imposter in my own room.

However, school FINALLY started on Wednesday and there have just been so many things to be thankful for this week!

• I really like all my classes. They’re all interesting and applicable and I actually enjoy going to class!
• The content of RA Training was wonderful. The retreat was a blast, the workshops were incredibly helpful and I learned so much. Student Life knocked it out of the park this year.
• I’m SO close to being able to pay off this semester of school. God just keeps providing money from unexpected places and the amount that I owe just keeps getting lower and lower!
• My hall is pretty much awesome. I’m so excited to spend more time with them and get to know them. We’re gonna have such a great year!
• I auditioned for worship band on Thursday and today I got an email saying I’d made a team! I’m really excited to have a chance to play again on a band and use my little bit of talent to worship the Lord.
• Finally, today was the best Friday ever! I woke up to a text from Ben saying that he was on campus so we had coffee together before my first class and it was SO good to see him. Then Kelli (aka, Roommate) came by for chapel so I got to see/talk to/hang out with her. I want her to come back and be my roommate again! Michelle came by to visit too so I got to eat lunch and catch up with her. Finally, the Balyo girls went Ice Blocking after classes. Mucho fun? I think yes.

Mood: Happy
Music: I can hear the Davidson Boys “Mocha Freestyle” wresting tournament going on next door. Creepy.

A Breath of Fresh Air

As an RA and with the rapidly growing social life that comes with Junior status, my weekends are decidedly B-U-S-Y. On an average weekend, I spend very little time in my room and see my roommate very rarely. I'm not complaining about this; I thrive on being busy and I love spending time with cool people and doing fun, crazy, and ridiculous things. This weekend was shaping up to be about the same as normal: tonight I planned to go to dinner, head over to Judson to play "The Game that Cannot be Named" with my fellow ministry majors for an hour or so, come back to school to play Capture the Flag in the dark with the Outlet group, then go to Shari's for hot chocolate with my PVG friends, and collapse into bed at some point after 1:30 am. Tomorrow I have RA class from 9-1, and immediately following class I'm heading north to spend the weekend in the city with my lovely team. I'll get home on Sunday just in time to dash to worship practice, immediately followed by dinner with Danny and Sean, RA business meeting, and homework for Monday, once again collapsing into bed at approximately 2 am if I'm lucky. This is an average weekend for me. And I love it.

But tonight I was vacuuming my room before dinner (my usual Friday night routine; gotta have the place clean for open dorms you know!) when Michelle asked if I wanted to go dress shopping with her and Brenna and Mikayla for our night out on the town this weekend. So we head off to Ross, watch Michelle try on dozens of dresses with no success, and head back to school for dinner. My plan was still to grab a quick bite, head over to Judson and proceed with my evening plans.

Somewhere in the course of dinner though, between Rick and Brent and Sam and Taylor throwing random food items at us, and Joel stealing my keys, and a spontaneous time of my table sharing parts of our testimonies and the necessity of being transparent, I decided that I wasn't going anywhere. I called Melissa, apologized for the late notice, but said I wasn't gonna make it tonight. I texted my roommate so she wouldn't worry when I didn't show up.

I'm so glad I did.

I spent the evening watching a movie with Michelle, Brenna, Mikayla, and Sam and working on organizing my planner for the rest of the semester. We kicked Sam out at 10:00 and then we talked, laughed, ran to Taco Bell, figured out clothes and jewelry for this weekend, and hung out in the coffee shop eating our tacos. We shared our hearts with each other . . . transparency seemed to be the theme of the night, and we had such great conversations about the expectations we try to live up to and how hard it is to admit your brokenness in the face of those expectations.

Tonight was a blessing. There's no other way to describe it. I needed this time to relax, recharge, and be encouraged by my sisters in Christ. The Lord knew what I needed tonight, and He made sure I got it, even if it meant completely derailing my plans. And His plan was better. Big surprise there, right?

Mood: Tired and content
Music: None

A Bit of My Heart

I want . . .

. . . to be content . . .

. . . to be adventurous . . .

. . . to be loved . . .

. . . to be independent . . .

. . . to be caught up . . .

. . . to be spontaneous . . .

. . . to be passionate . . .

. . . to be wise . . .

. . . to be obedient . . .

. . . to be loving . . .

. . . to be real . . .

. . . to be courageous . . .

. . . to be at peace . . .

. . . to be unafraid . . .

. . . to be strong . . .

. . . to be weak . . .

. . . to be more like Jesus.

Airports and Adventures

I'm sitting at PDX on a gorgeous Oregon afternoon, watching the planes taking off and landing and observing the people milling all around me. I love airports. For one, of course, I'm obsessed with flight and traveling by plane just makes me happy, but I also love watching the people. I like to watch them walk by and imagine who they are and where they're going. Maybe the man sitting behind me is a businessman coming home from a trip, eager to see his family. Maybe the family over to my left is going to visit Grandma in Phoenix. Maybe the redheaded guy with the backpack is a college student like me, being spontaneous and taking a crazy trip just because he can. Yes, I admit, I'm a people-watcher.

My plane just got here, and I saw a guy with possibly the coolest dredlocks I've ever seen get off of it. He made my day. Thanks, dredlocks guy.

So I'm off to not-so-sunny California and no matter the weather, it's going to be a great weekend just because I get to spend it with Alise! :)

Mood: Excited
Music: None. I forgot my headphones, doggoneit.