Decisions

I want to crawl under the covers right now and sleep for about a week. Either that or cry. Or both. I don't even know why, I'm just tired and confused I guess. I have a whole bunch of decisions I have to make soon, and they're kind of stressing me out. I didn't get cast in the play, so now I have to decide about Italy. That feels like it should be pointing towards going on the trip, but I just don't feel at peace about it. Of course I'm really disappointed about not getting cast in the play too. I can't apply to be an RA next year because training starts the week before we even go to youth camp. I mean, that's fine because I'm so excited about being an intern this summer, but it's still disappointing because I've always wanted to be a RA. I just turned in my exegetical paper and it just makes me sick to my stomach because I feel like I did a pretty horrible job on it, and that of course brings pain to my little good-grade loving heart. Not to mention that I just wanted to badly to write this paper well, no matter the grade. I miss having that accomplished feeling of writing a paper that I was truly proud of like I did in my English classes at Centralia.
Ok, seriously, going to bed now. Who cares that it's not even five o'clock.

Mood: Uh, crappy.
Music: None. It would probably annoy me.

Overwhelmed-ness.

I drove back to school today after a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving break that included my mom's amazing food, lots of loud obnoxious children, Aladdin, Bugs Bunny, a midnight shopping trip, a movie night with the gang just like old times, Gee Cees at 2AM, a run in with the cops, (don't worry, I didn't do anything wrong!) lots of sleep, and a fantastic birthday party for Hillary. :) Yep, I think that pretty much covers it. Fantastic week!

But on my drive back today, I had lots of time to think about stuff. Always scary, I know. But I realized that the more I learn about God and the more I listen to and talk to people who are older and wiser than I am, the more I realize just how much I DON'T know! People always say that college freshmen think they're so smart because they're learning all this cool new stuff (maybe that's a Pastor Joe quote, I'm not sure) but I sure don't feel like that. I feel completely overwhelmed by all the things I want to learn and know and have become a part of my life that I feel like I'll never accomplish. I know that I'll never fully understand God, which is great, because I wouldn't want to worship a God that I could understand, but I feel so very lost and overwhelmed by the sheer amount that I want to learn. I feel like I'll never know enough about God to be able to answer questions like Danny always answers my questions. I feel like I haven't even scratched the surface.

But on the other hand, that's also a very exciting place to be. There is so much to learn about God that will make me love Him more and make me even more amazed by His awesomeness, that I'll be learning for the rest of my life. Ok, this is all turning into a jumbled mess in my brain, so I think I'll stop trying to explain it for now. Peace out.

Mood: Good.
Music: Christmas music!

Weekends and Thinking Quotas

It was Corban Experience weekend. Alise and Linnea came down here on Saturday (finally, after a slight "detour" through Astoria or some such atrocity) so that we could hang out and do fun stuff before the official "preview weekend" started. We explored cool coffee shops in Salem; played LOTS of ping pong, pool, and foosball; shopped; and oh, we post-it noted and saran-wrapped Ben's car. :) Go us!



Ah yes, good times. It was a WONDERFUL weekend! I can only imagine how much trouble Alise and I would get in if she went to school here and lived here full time. Wow, just thinking about that nearly puts me over my thinking quota for the week. :)

Mood: Weird.
Music: "Out of Control" by Capital Lights

Elisabeth Elliot Quotes

Holiness has never been the driving force of the majority. It is, however, mandatory for anyone who wants to enter the kingdom.

Don't strain your eyes to see the future - for you will not be able to see clearly what God wants you to see NOW.

Some Things to Talk About

I think I'm going to try to get back into the habit of blogging regularly. It's a great stress reliever, and while procrastinating on homework last weekend, I completely rehauled my blog, which hasn't been done since I first started it, some three or four odd years ago. Now that it's all pretty again, I really want to write in it more. :)

During one of my 59-times-a-day checking of my e-mail this morning, I got two messages regarding the Italy spring break trip. [Side note: Katie M. used to tell me that she checked her email obsessively when she started college, and I never quite believed the extent to which she told me it would be important. I believe her now. Mail or lack thereof can truly make or break the day of a college student!] But yes, Italy you say? Well, let me start from the beginning. Corban does all these cool mission trips during spring break every year, and I hadn't really thought seriously about going on any of them, but I got an email about an informational meeting on the Italy trip and decided to just go check it out. Ok, mostly to see how much it cost. Especially with the economy being like it is, I hate asking people (my church) for money. I honestly had no intention of even considering going.

Random side note: My roommate is gone and I haven't seen her for a while. This is weird. She usually doesn't just disappear like that. Hmmmm. I hope she comes back; I kinda like her.

Ok, back to Italy. The meeting was good. The trip is definitely affordable. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized what a cool opportunity this could be. With my background, I have lots of experience with Catholicism and a real heart for Catholics - after all, I used to be one! I started thinking and praying about it, and even talked to my parents about it, which I expected to not go so well. To my surprise, they were totally like "Whatever" about it. Wow, huh?

But I need to decide - soon - whether I'm going to go or not. And I have no idea what to do. I've been praying about it and thinking about it, and feel like I really don't know the answer. I want to go, and so far it seems like things have pointed towards that, but I just really want to know that it's what God wants for me. So I guess we'll see what happens.

In other business: My hall is awesome. My RA is the absolute BEST! Really, I'm absolutely convinced that no other hall has a better RA than Madi, she's the best!

Alise and Linnea will be here next weekend. YAY! I think that's all for now. I'm going to study for my Bible Study Methods quiz and go to bed. Peace out!

Mood: Ok
Music: "Nutcracker Suite" (YAY for Christmas music!)

Queen of Procrastination

Yes, it is I, the Queen of Procrastination. I have two exams tomorrow (Psychology and American Thought) and have been COMPLETELY unmotivated to study for either of them ALL WEEKEND.

Yes, this is bad.

The semester is winding down, and I'm definitely in the "end of semester" mode. Nineteen-some-odd days until Thanksgiving break, then back for a week and a half, then home for Christmas! I'm so stoked for Christmas! I'm going to cook and bake to my heart's content, teach my sis how to snowboard, spend some quality time on my own board, hang out with Alise, go Christmas shopping with my girls, GO TO BACHELOR!, spend lots of time at church, work at the Pharmacy and make money for next semester, go bowling, and get my hair cut. :) I think that looks like a good list, don't you?

But even though I'm crazy-excited for the breaks, the nerd in me is still looking forward to next semester. I should figure out my classes in the next week, and they're going to be mostly Bible/ministry classes from here on out, and I'm SO excited about that! I went to a game night/fellowship-thingie last night for all the ministry majors here, and had such a great time! It's going to be a blast to get to know those people who share my passion for ministry, and Dr. Baker (the youth ministry department head, who is also my advisor) reminds me so much of Danny! Cool, huh?

Ok, ok, ok, I've gotta get back to my ATC and Psych study sheets. *sigh* The last time I was home I realized that my parents are going to be livid if I get anything less than straight A's in all my classes this semester. So I'd better get at it.

Mood: Chillaxin'
Music: "Angel of Music" by Andrew Loyd Weber

High Time for a Happy Note

My last several blogs have been very sad and depressing. Ugh, I'm sorry! I hate being melancholy, truly I do! So here's a happy note! I've decided something. Are you ready for this?

I love it here.

Now I'm not quite sure if I can call Salem "home" yet, but that's ok. I can still love it here and not call it home. Yes, Toledo is still my home even though it seems weird when I'm there, and I still hope and pray that I can live there again. I still miss my church and my friends more than words can say, but I still love it here. Finding a church is still a want-to/don't-want-to thing for me, but I know that I'm supposed to be involved in a community of believers here, so I trust that God will show me His place for me. I still don't have a friend like Alise here, one that I can pour my heart out to, but that's ok. No one can take her place and I don't want anyone to. So I guess a better way of putting that is that I'm adjusting VERY well to being here, which is a total answer to prayer, since it's only been two months. :) I love living in the dorm with these girls, I love being free to do random and crazy stuff when I have time to and I'm not doing homework. For the most part, I love my classes. I wrote my first big assignment for a Bible class tonight, and realized how amazingly cool it is to be able to study the Bible...for SCHOOL! Through several sets of circumstances, I have realized anew that God has planned that I would be here, in this dorm, in this hall, since the beginning of my life. What a humbling and amazing concept! I'm still not 100% at peace with my major, but God's been confirming that too, so I think I'm well on my way.

God is so good, and He takes such amazing care of His children!! Thank all of you for all your prayers and please don't stop, but I'm so grateful!

Mood: Content
Music: Something by Chris Brown

Late Night Thoughts

It is roughly 2am, so I'm not exactly sane at the moment. I'm going four-wall crazy, and I just got back from Taco Bell. Thank goodness for fast food being open until 3am on weekends. My two beef soft tacos with no lettuce were heavenly. My roommate is gone for the weekend and I spent my afternoon watching "The Office" and playing "Gold Strike" (aka, the stupidest computer game known to man). I'm currently trying to beat my high score of 75,000. Go me.

I spent a good hour on the phone with Samantha tonight. She's officially "in a relationship" with Blake. Everyone say, "Awwwww!" I'm happy for her, I really am. Thrilled actually. From what I've heard, he seems like a fantastic guy. But it's nights like this that I just can't help but wonder.

When will it be my turn? Will it EVER be my turn? Will I ever get to change my Facebook status from "single" to "in a relationship"? Will I ever meet a guy who wants to tell the world that I'm his girl? Is he out there? Will there ever be a guy who is just completely crazy about me?

Being here makes it even harder. I'm surrounded, all the time, by these adorable Christian couples, watching guys treat girls like royalty, and just be so dang CUTE! Friday nights are date nights, and what did I do tonight? Yep, I sat in my room, eating Nutella and playing Gold Strike. Depressing, eh? But even more sad is the fact that I have yet to meet a single guy here. Not even one. Ok, I was introduced to Ben's friend Joey one night when we were both at Wal Mart at like 12:30, but he doesn't even recognize me in the halls, so that doesn't count.

Now don't get my wrong, I'm not in the "ring by spring" crowd, I'm here to get my degree. That is definitely my focus! It's just frustrating. Grrrrr.

Mood: Contemplative
Music: "Strong" by Jordyn Taylor

The Little Things That Make Me Happy

Ok, this might completely strange and insignificant to some people, but it made me ridiculously happy! I had a couple of errands to run today--WalMart to pick up my contacts and photos, and Office Max to get my Algebra book shrink wrapped (more on that later!)--and they're kind of on opposite sides of Salem. Ok, maybe they're not really OPPOSITE, but to get to Wal Mart you go left from school, and to get to Office Max, you go right. That's opposite in my mind. So I pretty much figured that I'd go to Wal Mart and drive all the way back to school and then to Office Max because I didn't know any other way to get there. In other words, do a LOT of driving. I was pretty sure that there WAS an easier way to get there, but I for sure didn't know it. So I go to WalMart, am frustrated because my pictures aren't there yet (they said they'd be in yesterday!) and on the way sit in construction on Turner Rd for a long time. Grrrr, right? So I decided to be brave and try to find a different way to Office Max that avoided going back through the construction.

Yeah, I'm a brave one. :)

In the back of my mind, I figured I'd get on the freeway, drive north another exit or so, and hopefully hit the Lancaster exit. So I get on the highway, trying to find the exit for I-5 North (I'm still getting used to the fact that Portland is "north" from here!) and I see it. The sign says "Lancaster Drive 3/4 mi." I don't even have to get on the freeway!! So I successfully navigated the lane changes and crazy Oregon drivers, got on Lancaster, found Office Max, and got my book shrink-wrapped, all without getting back on the freeway OR having to sit through construction traffic again!

GO ME!

Yes, I know it's silly, but to me it was a very profound moment. I think I kind of proved to myself that I really am going to be ok and survive here. I am finding my way around in a semi-new and strange town, doing what I need to do in everyday life all on my own, without my parents and friends. I dropped my math class this morning, which was totally stressing me out, and enrolled in a missions class called Global Perspectives, rounding out my semester at 15 credits. My planner is full of notes and empty check boxes, but that's ok too, because I have an organized list of everything that needs to be done, my desk is clean, my bed is made, and I am ready to tackle that list. If I get it all done in a reasonable amount of time, Kelli and I are going to watch "The Italian Job" tonight. :)

But in 40 minutes I have a Young Life meeting to go to, which I'm super excited about too. I really really want to get involved in Young Life here. And oh yes! About that shrink-wrapped Algebra book. You can't return books at the campus bookstore if they've been opened, and I opened this stupid $160 book after I started the class, freaked out because it was ridiculously hard and I didn't have a teacher (it was an on-line class) and was then out the $160. So I went to Office Max, paid $.75 to have it shrink wrapped, and now I'm going to return it. Hee hee, I'm working the bookstore system. :)

Mood: Optimistic
Music: Henry's podcast of last week's Sunday school class.

Just Me and My Boys

My best friend obviously decided to go globetrotting this summer, =) leaving me to single-handedly defend the entire race of womankind against crazy boys. Ha ha, let me explain.

It's always been me, Alise, and Hillary (in the last year or so at least) who always hang with Ben, Anthony, Jordon, sometimes John, and occasionally the pack of little guys (Peter, Reid, Bret, etc). The family, ya know? But now Alise is halfway across the world (well, soon anyways) and things are too awkward between Hillary and Jordon for her to hang out with us anymore. Which makes me very sad.

But do some math. Yes, you can do it. You're smart. That leaves Ben, Anthony, Jordon, sometimes John, the pack of little guys, and ... me. First off, it's stinking hilarious, and secondly, farting, burping, BO, and "women in the kitchen" jokes no longer bother me in any way, shape, or form. =)

Take Wednesday night for example. We decide to go bowling after church. Me, Ben, Jordon, Anthony, and John. And we all cram into Jordon's little Chevy Cavalier. Whoo boy, talk about bonding. I'm squished between JOHN and BEN in the backseat. They're big guys, and Jordon's car is very small. Trying to get your phone out of your pocket is pretty much impossible.

But I seriously think I've never laughed so hard in my life. From farting contests in WinCo to the aforementioned "women belong in the kitchen" jokes while driving down Ocean Beach Highway, to 30-mph fast balls in Hilander, I almost peed my pants on several occasions from sheer laughter. However, I used a pink ball at bowling just for spite. =)

Tonight we went to see "The Incredible Hulk." I DESPERATELY wanted a girl to go with me, and I searched high and low! Hillary obviously couldn't go, Heather is kinda grounded in CR for the time being, Beth works nights these days, Emmy was at the Tacoma Dome for her sister's graduation, Linnea had to stay home, and Sam was working. Shucks.

But oh well. It actually ended up just being me and Ben and Peter, and the movie was great. I've definitely decided that I hardcore love Marvel Comics that have been made into movies. Spiderman, Batman, Incredible Hulk, Ironman. They're just so good!

It's probably what my whole summer is gonna look like though! Me and my boys, just chillin. Watching movies and eating food. =) It's gonna be fun, and I'm excited. I already have this summer pegged as "the best summer of my life" cuz it's definitely been that so far, and it's only been a week! I can't wait for the rest!!

Mood: All smiles.
Music: "Photograph" by Nickelback.

Thus Begins Summer!

And thus begins my senior summer! Saturday was probably the most amazing day of my life so far. I loved every minute of it! Actually, the last two weeks have been fun beyond words! I was at Krenelka's today, and Sean and I put together the graduation pages for the annual. While we were working on it, she asked me if I kind of wished I had graduated with Academy.

I didn't even have to think about it. "Absolutely not," I said. I don't regret my decision to graduate from Toledo for even a second, and I don't wish I'd been involved with Academy as a senior. My close senior friends from LCLC didn't graduate from there; actually most of them graduated from Toledo. To be perfectly honest, the LCLC senior class was kind of lame this year. Only two people went on the cruise, and the class in general just wasn't close and didn't do anything together at all. Even though I didn't have a ton of close friends in my THS class, everything just worked out perfectly. I can't even describe it. It was a definite God-thing. =)

And then last night Alise flew out for Chicago. Everything that fell into place for her to go was, again, a total God-thing. I'm so excited for everything that she's going to do and see and learn this summer, but gosh, I'm going to miss her like all git out! Fifty-eight days till she comes home! And hoo boy will the stories fly then!

Mood: Exhausted
Music: None

Accepted!!

So I get home from school today and the phone rings. It's a lady from Corban calling to tell me that they've received all my paperwork and I've been accepted!!

*Carrie starts "pulling a Katie" and running down the hallway screaming and flailing her arms*

It's so crazy to think that I'm going to be moving out this fall and living two hours away from my family, friends, and church, going to "real college" and having to deal with all of the "real world" stuff. It's horribly exciting and horribly intimidating all at the same time.

I found a group on Facebook today called "I Picked A Major I Liked, and One Day I Will Probably Be Living In A Box." It made me laugh because it seems so ridiculously true!! I've always joked about some day being a bum and living in a cardboard box under a bridge, and who knows? I'm definitely not going into ministry for the money, :) and I was reading in the book Pursuit of God today about not being so attached to our possessions. Maybe God is trying to tell me something. :) I'm thinking that a refrigerator box would be quite nice. I'd be set with a nice warm sleeping bag and some top ramen. Yes, you can eat Ramen raw.

So now I'm just waiting on the financial aid paperwork. That is definitely going to be the make-or-break part of this whole deal. Corban is VERY expensive!! And I'm just a poor custodial engineer. :] But it's all in God's hands. If Corban is where he wants me, then He's gonna work out every last detail!!

Mood: Thrilled
Music: "Treason" by Kutless

Love, Life, Friends, and the Future

My MySpace mood-thing right now says that I'm "contemplating life, love, friends, and the future." And I guess I am. Life can be SO weird sometimes. So can love and friends and the future. =]


I get so frustrated with myself when I don't want to forgive. Like right now, I know I need to forgive someone, but that horrible jerk-ish part of me doesn't want to do it until she realizes that she hurt me and says she's sorry.


But that's not the way it works. Even if the other person never ever realizes that their actions and words hurt me and brought me to tears, I still need to forgive them if for no other reason than that they DIDN'T realize it. Because I hope that if they didn't realize it, then they truly didn't mean to do it.


I can't put conditions on forgiveness though. If I want God to forgive me unconditionally, then I've gotta forgive others like that. And that's a pretty powerful motivator, especially for someone like me who messes up a LOT!

I hate it when friendships slip away. Especially over dumb things that we'll look back on later and be like, "That was so STUPID!" It makes me want to cry. Another thing that makes me want to burst into tears is when I see friends doing things that I can see are harmful for them. I can see it because I'm outside of the emotion of the situation, but the person in the middle of it is blind to the danger. So even if you try to talk to them about it, they won't listen because they can't see it. Sad seems like such an inadequate word to express how I feel about this sort of thing. Distressed, maybe? That's not quite it either.

Mood: Sad/Distressed/Troubled/Sad
Music: "September" by Spoken