I don't know what's wrong with me.
Maybe it's all the new pictures albums popping up on Facebook showcasing moments of fun, laughter, spontaneity - each picture capturing a moment, a memory. Maybe it's thinking about my hall girls and seeing them not as the baby freshmen and sophomores I met a year ago, but as the confident sophomores and juniors who are stepping into positions of leadership on campus and preparing to invest in the lives of dozens more babies. Maybe it's the moments I spent tonight reading through my friend Kerstyn's blog, and finding myself with a pit in my stomach as I read about her summer spent counseling at camp and living with her roommates in Boise - and I wanted to cry because the vast majority of my friends are in Salem, having adventures and making memories without me.
Selfish and petty maybe, but true.
Especially now that school has started, I would do almost anything to be able to go back to Salem. I spent some time online tonight looking for jobs down there, but to no avail. I miss having roommates and inviting friends over to watch a movie or make dinner. I miss spontaneous late night beach trips on the weekends and going to WalMart at midnight and seeing at least four people I know. I miss running at the sports center with Miranda and watching the oh-so-attractive Davidson boys play basketball on the gym floor below. I miss being able to go to Gov Cup before work and be alone and journal and read until life made sense again.
I'm having a hard time putting into words what I so desperately miss about living in Oregon, but I know at the core that I miss the community I had there. This is really hard to explain to people, because I do have a few friends here like Danny and Sean and Britton and Christina, but I don't have my solid girlfriends like my roommates who would let me cry about life without trying to fix it; or my guys that would make us coffee and drive to the beach with me at midnight. I don't have my hall girls to sit around and talk about boys with, or the people like Pam and Jason who would let me sit on their couch and unwind every week.
We've already established on this blog what an extrovert and people-person I am, and without these significant relationships, I'm going crazy. I'm ridiculously jealous of other college graduates who are living on their own with roommates who they get to share day-to-day life with.
But like I said, no one understands this. They tell me I need to be grateful that I'm living at home and saving money, that I have a good job, that I have ministry opportunities at church, that I can go down to Salem on the weekends, and that I'm young and single and have all the opportunities in the world in front of me. And I am grateful for all those things - very grateful, and I thank God for them. But I feel like I'm not living. I feel like I'm just existing - a very lonely existence at that. Is this really what "real life" is? Because if it is, I sure I don't like it.
Mood: Sad
Music: Mumford & Sons
2 comments:
I don't blame you at all for being pessimistic about what all the optimistic (/wise?) people have to say about being grateful. But I think you can be grateful for what you have and still not be happy about it. Because where you are doesn't fit your personality...we all know this. And I think that can be incredibly taxing on a person (and that extrovertedness came from God, did it not?). Just remember that He wants you to be happy and at peace so that probably means that you won't be where you are forever. That probably means your going to find the community that you so long for. Because I truly believe that longing came from God. But if for some CRAZY reason it doesn't, either way, your doomed to be happy and at peace in your life cuz that's what God wants and you're gonna seek Him and His will for your life because that's who you are and you're gonna be blessed by Him.
However, right now it hurts. But you have hope, even if you can't see it super clearly right now.
I miss you. Life is harder without you, friend.
Oh the transition that is life after college. It is NOT easy! It's not for the faint of heart! I moved to Georgia after I graduated and looked for a job for a month or two and then ended up moving back to Alabama where I got a job and lived with my mom for almost a year before I was able to move somewhere new and get a job I was completely happy in. It takes time to make the adjustment and unfortunately there is no limit set on it. Could be a few months, could be longer. It's hard to think about all the fun that is being had without you and to let go of such an amazing time of life. It does get better. And in the mean time, you can always make use of Skype and cell phones, and just keep putting yourself out there in your current place to meet people- volunteer at events for non-profits (red cross, humane society, whatever interests you, etc.). It's a sure-fire way to meet some new people, and you never know how good of a friend might come out of it. I have no doubt you'll come out the other side of this with flying colors and that you will soar! You are an awesome girl and I am wishing you all the best from the other upper side of the US. Keep hanging in there. There is 'real life' to be found and had that doesn't hurt so much and isn't as isolated feeling. You'll always miss college... that doesn't change, but this next stage can be pretty awesome too.
Post a Comment