How quickly we forget what has happened in the past. As I read the words I'd written in these past nine months, I realized that I had forgotten a lot of things. Pain fades the further removed you are from it, and I'd forgotten just how truly painful and dark some of those months were. Joy swelled in my heart though, as I found those entries that held a glimmer of hope in a dark and otherwise hopeless season. I found myself being thankful again for those people whose names are recorded in this little brown book as those who helped me just barely keep my head above water when I thought I couldn't swim anymore - Joel, Pam, Jason, Stephanie, and Jill.
There were good memories recorded in those pages too. I laughed out loud as I read my accounts of spring break in Mexico - sleeping in a flooded tent with Megan, singing the "Friday" song in Justin's van, listening to Ben's stories around the campfire, and recording the "perfect man" interviews in the car with Ashlynn, Kenji, and Matt. I felt a twinge of sadness as I read about the good times with my beloved 2nd Floor South girls, and realized that my days of being an RA are over forever.
But best of all, I got to go through and scribble notes in the margins about how God has answered prayers. There were specific prayers that I had written begging God for a friend - and He sent Megan and the rest of the Mexico crew. There were times where I was desperately asking for the strength to make through the next moment, hour, day, week - and I made it. There were moments of such deep discouragement that I was begging God for some little bit of hope or something to smile about - and the next day I would get an encouragement card in the mail or get to have lunch with Joel.
Some prayers were answered in succinct, specific ways . . . there were circumstances I could point to or a day I could refer to where I knew my cries had been heard and God did something awesome for no other reason than the fact that He loves me. (I'm still not sure why He does, but I'm sure grateful!) But other times, the answer came over a long period of time and is even continuing to this day and beyond.
Case in point: there were many entries where I was asking God to please confirm His calling in my life . . . did He really mean to call me to ministry or had there been some big mix-up in the heavenly "Life-Plan Book" and this calling was supposed to go to Corrie, not Carrie? I didn't feel qualified for what He had asked me to do (I still don't) and pursuing a career where I knew I could be successful and "safe" sounded a whole lot more appealing at times.
My December 28, 2009 entry ended with this question:
Would I be happy, content, and fulfilled if I was spending every day discipling, teaching, and telling kids about Jesus? I've been spending a lot of time thinking about this and my really honest answer to that question right now is, "I don't know." But I want to want that.Six and a half months later I have a different answer to that question. My answer is, "YES." So much has happened in those months that God has used to give me a real passion and excitement for what He has called me to do. From my experiences this year with my wonderful hall, to conversations with Godly men and women in ministry who have encouraged and affirmed me, to the discontent I felt when I suddenly wasn't involved in ministry anymore, I can definitely say that I've come a long ways this year. Trust me, I definitely know that I haven't "arrived" yet (whatever that is) but it sure is nice to be able to look back and see progress and see how God really does work things together for His purposes.
Mood: Reflective
Music: Yellowcard
1 comment:
Remember, you can be active in ministry and in telling even with a real job. Find someone to invest in. Set up a meeting with a younger girl once a week. Pick her up early and do breakfast before work/school or meet for dinner once a week together. It can make all the difference. Disciple and invest right where you are. God may have given you that desire to pursue that way, at least for now. There is still honor and purpose in ministering in the daily real life grind. Maybe even more than doing it full time. It's in the daily life and daily relationships that what's really inside comes out. It's where the 'rubber meets the road' so to speak and you will be making a difference. Not only to that one person, but for all the girls that come after her-- the ones she invests in and the ones you invest in. Just some thoughts-- in case you were wanting me to comment on every post and tell you what I thought... ;o)
Keep on keeping on Carrie! :o)
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