Windshield Wipers

Tonight it all started with windshield wipers.  My dad bought me new ones as part of my Christmas present (I really needed them!) and since I'm driving up in the mountains in the snow tomorrow, we went out to install them tonight.


Windshield wipers.  They can't be that hard, right?  Just snap the old ones off, and snap the new ones on.  Even I could figure that out, right?


Life Lesson #528:  It's NEVER that easy.


My lovely little German-made car, which I love to death except for when I'm working on it, makes even changing my windshield wipers complicated.  It turned into quite the ordeal, and for a few moments there, I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to wipe the rain off my windshield again.  


About halfway through this process though, I started to panic.  Literally.  All these thoughts started racing through my head and the tears started to well up in my eyes.


"I could have never done this by myself.  What would I have done if my dad wasn't here to help me?  My dad is getting old and is in really bad health.  What am I going to do when he's gone?  Oh my gosh, I'm going to turn into one of those completely helpless women that has to hire a handyman every time they need a lightbulb changed.  I can't be an adult.  I'm not capable of taking care of myself.  I couldn't even take my car to a mechanic if I needed to because I can't afford it.  Am I ever going to be able to make enough money to even pay my rent?  I [almost] have a completely useless college degree.  And a butt-load of debt to go along with it.  I'm not going to be able to get a job, and the loan people are going to come take my car away because that's pretty much the only thing I own that they'd want.  Dad always says that when he's gone, then Joe and Dick will take care of fixing my car for me.  But what if I want to move away?  Great.  I have to live within a 10-mile radius of one of my brothers for the rest of my life."


Insert uncontrollable crying and hyperventilating here.


In case you haven't figured it out from the sampling of my thoughts listed above, I am having some serious doubts about whether or not I can actually do this whole "being an adult" business.  I've tried to express these worries to my parents and my sister, and they don't take me seriously.    And I swear, the next person who says, "Oh don't worry, just get married and your husband will take care of all of this for you!" is going to get my fist in their face.  


Mood:  Freaked out
Music:  None

Hello, I Am . . .

Whoever said that counseling is only for crazy people was a big, fat liar.  Even though I've never until recently had to use professional counseling for myself, I've always been a big fan.  I've always thought there was something cool about having a really smart person that would sit and give you their undivided attention for an hour or so at a time and help guide you through discovering answers to your problems.  Yes, counselors are great at dealing with what we would think of as the "big" problems like major depression, suicide, self-injury, abuse, and things of that sort, but they're also a great resource for when life just seems to be piling up on you and the anxiety and stress seem too overwhelming to tackle.

As an RA, I've recommended counseling to residents and friends and have been fortunate enough to have never been a victim of too much of the old-fashioned stigmas that can go along with it.  "Oh, counseling is only for crazy people.  You're one step away from the mental hospital if you have to go there."  False.  A lot of people that take advantage of the counseling services that colleges offer are pretty normal students like you and me.  It is SO helpful to have someone with a caring, compassionate heart that makes you feel like you are the most important person in the world at that moment, just sit and listen.

I'll admit though, sending that email to set up an appointment was scary.  Actually walking down there and saying to the receptionist (who is a former floormate of mine), "I'm here for my appointment with Stephanie," was also scary and very humbling.  (Oh the joys of a small school where everyone knows everyone, right? :))  Sitting outside her office filling out the questionnaire and watching people that I knew walk by?  Another humbling experience.  The thought kept running through my mind, "I wonder what these people think is wrong with me?  Do they think I'm a psycho crazy person who probably shouldn't be an RA?"  But then I realized that I know a lot of people who I respect greatly that have gone through the counseling program and do I think that they're crazy and weird?  Of course not!  And you know what else?

We all have problems.  None of us have it all together.

I've come to the conclusion that the sooner we can admit that, the more healthy we can be.  Trying to keep up the facade of perfection is exhausting.  And it's a lie.  And I don't want to live my life as a liar!  This is something we talked a lot about during RA training this year, and I think I'm finally starting to grasp a little bit of it and put it into practice.  Especially those of us who spend large portions of our lives pouring into other people desperately need someone to keep US sane.  For me, Stephanie is the only safe person in my life right now that can do that.

Hello . . . I am Carrie.
I am not perfect.
I get overwhelmed with life.
I struggle to mend difficult relationships.
I am lonely.
I need other people.
I can't do this on my own, and I'm not supposed to.
I am not crazy.
But I do need help.
And that is ok.

This is what I hope for.

A friend of mine posted these lyrics on her blog today, and I'm copying them.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

I wish I could say that my peace is flowing like a river these days, but it's not.  It's more like drought season around here.  The sorrows like sea billows rolling?  That's more like it.  


But I want to be able to say that no matter what comes, it is well with my soul.  Of course in the one sense, it IS well with my soul in the fact that I have eternal hope in Christ.  But the day-to-day "wellness" is sorely lacking.


Mood:  Worn out.
Music:  None.

Bathroom Thoughts 2

“Consider it a great joy, my brothers,

whenever you experience various trials,

knowing that the testing of your faith

produces endurance.  But endurance must

do its complete work, so that you may be

mature and complete, lacking nothing.

- James 1:2-4

Trials.  They’re not exactly what we wish for when we plan out our futures, but like it or not, we all have them.  Some are bigger than others, but even the small ones can build up over time and make this journey we call life pretty difficult.

I don’t know about you, but at times during this last month, I’ve felt pretty discouraged, overwhelmed, exhausted, (insert your chosen word here).  A friend brought me back to this verse in James one day, and it really helped change my perspective on how I should be responding when things get tough.  I had been trying to just “plow through” and merely survive the first month of school, but I realized that God had better plans than just my survival.  When I opened up my eyes and looked around, I could see some incredible opportunities for me to grow in my dependence on Christ and in how I was learning to love other people and in a myriad of other areas.  By just trying to survive, I was missing the valuable part of my “trials.” 

James 1 tells us to not just survive, but to “consider it a great joy!”  Why?  Because we want to build endurance, and building endurance hurts.  No one wakes up one morning and decides to run a marathon that day.  It takes months of training and preparation that can be unpleasant at times.  But the payoff is pretty exhilarating.

And isn’t that payoff our goal?  I want to be mature and complete in Christ, lacking nothing, and according to this verse, that doesn’t come through the mountaintop experiences, but through the valleys. 

So when you’re feeling like the trials just keep piling up, remember that you’re building endurance.  Look for what God is trying to teach you through difficult circumstances.  And reach out to those around you.  We’re in this together.  Each one of us is an adopted daughter of God, so you know what that makes us?  Sisters.  

Bathroom Thoughts 1

So as part of my job as an RA this year, I am writing a series of mini-devotions to post on the inside of the stalls in my hall bathroom every week.  Encouragement while you're takin' care of business, right?  I figured I'd post them on here as well just in case anyone else would like to read them too.  :)

“Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

-       Psalm 46:10

On more days than I would like to admit, I find myself ridiculously stressed out because my To-Do List seems to be a mile long.  But of course, being my usual perfectionist-self, I simply will not be satisfied unless everything on that list is done well.  But you know what I forget?

I am not Wonder Woman.

And neither are you.

I have a bad tendency to overload myself, to say yes to every single thing that someone asks me to do.  The last few months have been a process of me trying to learn to tell the difference between what is “good” and what is “best.”  Just because something is “good” doesn’t mean that I need to say yes.  In fact, even the good things are bad if they are not on God’s agenda for me.

And I think if we would admit it, we’re all people-pleasers to some extent.  We want people to like us and to be proud of us, so we stress out trying to do everything, be everything, and still maintain our sanity.  Eventually though, we find that it doesn’t work.

So today, let’s stop trying to be a one-woman superhero, out to save the world, and rest in the fact that God is on His throne.  Like the verse in Psalms says, He will be exalted in the earth with or without my minor contributions. 

It takes some of the pressure off, doesn’t it?

My Week in a List

So in case you haven’t noticed, my school has gotten off to a rather rocky start. My relationship with my team (my RD and the other RA’s in my building) is unfortunately not the best and that’s been a big struggle. Having two roommates that are best friends is really hard, and most of the time I feel like an imposter in my own room.

However, school FINALLY started on Wednesday and there have just been so many things to be thankful for this week!

• I really like all my classes. They’re all interesting and applicable and I actually enjoy going to class!
• The content of RA Training was wonderful. The retreat was a blast, the workshops were incredibly helpful and I learned so much. Student Life knocked it out of the park this year.
• I’m SO close to being able to pay off this semester of school. God just keeps providing money from unexpected places and the amount that I owe just keeps getting lower and lower!
• My hall is pretty much awesome. I’m so excited to spend more time with them and get to know them. We’re gonna have such a great year!
• I auditioned for worship band on Thursday and today I got an email saying I’d made a team! I’m really excited to have a chance to play again on a band and use my little bit of talent to worship the Lord.
• Finally, today was the best Friday ever! I woke up to a text from Ben saying that he was on campus so we had coffee together before my first class and it was SO good to see him. Then Kelli (aka, Roommate) came by for chapel so I got to see/talk to/hang out with her. I want her to come back and be my roommate again! Michelle came by to visit too so I got to eat lunch and catch up with her. Finally, the Balyo girls went Ice Blocking after classes. Mucho fun? I think yes.

Mood: Happy
Music: I can hear the Davidson Boys “Mocha Freestyle” wresting tournament going on next door. Creepy.

A Breath of Fresh Air

As an RA and with the rapidly growing social life that comes with Junior status, my weekends are decidedly B-U-S-Y. On an average weekend, I spend very little time in my room and see my roommate very rarely. I'm not complaining about this; I thrive on being busy and I love spending time with cool people and doing fun, crazy, and ridiculous things. This weekend was shaping up to be about the same as normal: tonight I planned to go to dinner, head over to Judson to play "The Game that Cannot be Named" with my fellow ministry majors for an hour or so, come back to school to play Capture the Flag in the dark with the Outlet group, then go to Shari's for hot chocolate with my PVG friends, and collapse into bed at some point after 1:30 am. Tomorrow I have RA class from 9-1, and immediately following class I'm heading north to spend the weekend in the city with my lovely team. I'll get home on Sunday just in time to dash to worship practice, immediately followed by dinner with Danny and Sean, RA business meeting, and homework for Monday, once again collapsing into bed at approximately 2 am if I'm lucky. This is an average weekend for me. And I love it.

But tonight I was vacuuming my room before dinner (my usual Friday night routine; gotta have the place clean for open dorms you know!) when Michelle asked if I wanted to go dress shopping with her and Brenna and Mikayla for our night out on the town this weekend. So we head off to Ross, watch Michelle try on dozens of dresses with no success, and head back to school for dinner. My plan was still to grab a quick bite, head over to Judson and proceed with my evening plans.

Somewhere in the course of dinner though, between Rick and Brent and Sam and Taylor throwing random food items at us, and Joel stealing my keys, and a spontaneous time of my table sharing parts of our testimonies and the necessity of being transparent, I decided that I wasn't going anywhere. I called Melissa, apologized for the late notice, but said I wasn't gonna make it tonight. I texted my roommate so she wouldn't worry when I didn't show up.

I'm so glad I did.

I spent the evening watching a movie with Michelle, Brenna, Mikayla, and Sam and working on organizing my planner for the rest of the semester. We kicked Sam out at 10:00 and then we talked, laughed, ran to Taco Bell, figured out clothes and jewelry for this weekend, and hung out in the coffee shop eating our tacos. We shared our hearts with each other . . . transparency seemed to be the theme of the night, and we had such great conversations about the expectations we try to live up to and how hard it is to admit your brokenness in the face of those expectations.

Tonight was a blessing. There's no other way to describe it. I needed this time to relax, recharge, and be encouraged by my sisters in Christ. The Lord knew what I needed tonight, and He made sure I got it, even if it meant completely derailing my plans. And His plan was better. Big surprise there, right?

Mood: Tired and content
Music: None

A Bit of My Heart

I want . . .

. . . to be content . . .

. . . to be adventurous . . .

. . . to be loved . . .

. . . to be independent . . .

. . . to be caught up . . .

. . . to be spontaneous . . .

. . . to be passionate . . .

. . . to be wise . . .

. . . to be obedient . . .

. . . to be loving . . .

. . . to be real . . .

. . . to be courageous . . .

. . . to be at peace . . .

. . . to be unafraid . . .

. . . to be strong . . .

. . . to be weak . . .

. . . to be more like Jesus.

Airports and Adventures

I'm sitting at PDX on a gorgeous Oregon afternoon, watching the planes taking off and landing and observing the people milling all around me. I love airports. For one, of course, I'm obsessed with flight and traveling by plane just makes me happy, but I also love watching the people. I like to watch them walk by and imagine who they are and where they're going. Maybe the man sitting behind me is a businessman coming home from a trip, eager to see his family. Maybe the family over to my left is going to visit Grandma in Phoenix. Maybe the redheaded guy with the backpack is a college student like me, being spontaneous and taking a crazy trip just because he can. Yes, I admit, I'm a people-watcher.

My plane just got here, and I saw a guy with possibly the coolest dredlocks I've ever seen get off of it. He made my day. Thanks, dredlocks guy.

So I'm off to not-so-sunny California and no matter the weather, it's going to be a great weekend just because I get to spend it with Alise! :)

Mood: Excited
Music: None. I forgot my headphones, doggoneit.

An Unexpected Blessing

During my last year and a half at school, I've struggled with sometimes all-too-frequent feelings of intense loneliness and feeling like I don't really belong anywhere. Like I've said before, it's amazing how one can be so incredibly lonely in the midst of so many people. This year though, in the midst of the loneliness and confusion, the Lord answered my cries in a new way. He gave me my RA team.

When it comes time to go home from school for breaks, I've always secretly laughed at the girls who cried and hugged and went on and on about how much they would miss the girls on their floor while they were gone. I've always hugged my hall girls and went home happily, never wasting valuable break time missing people from school. A couple days into Christmas break this year though, I felt a feeling I'd never felt before. I realized that I missed my team. A lot.

It's been a weird holiday so far, and a few days into it, I found myself just wanting to hang out with Michelle, Joel, Brenna, Brady, Madison, Vince, Kristy, Steve, Amanda and Pam. These ten "get me," at least better than anyone else at school does. They have been such a part of combating the loneliness that has been such a big part of the last year and a half, and I'm so grateful for that. It's not that I didn't have friends before this year; I have lots of "friends" at school actually. But these guys are the quality, not the quantity that I've been needing.

Thank You Jesus that You knew what I needed this year long before I did. Thank You for this incredible, unexpected blessing!

Mood: Grateful
Music: Phil Wickham

The Giving of Thanks Part 2

I was driving downtown to the mall today, heard the song "Low" by Flo Rida on the radio, and just had to chuckle because my friend Joel immediately came to mind. You see, residence life this year could aptly be summed up in the phrase "The Year of the Dance Party." During RA training, we had an actual workshop on how to host a great dance parties, complete with a YouTube tutorial on basic moves. (Milk the Cow, anyone?) Since that point, I have attended more dance parties than in all my 20 years combined, and although it's still awkward, and I still feel like a foal who's just learning to walk, they're ridiculous amounts of fun. Although at first glance Joel seems like the least likely person to ever start busting out a move at our little shindigs, you can always find him in the middle of the dance circle singing and grooving to his heart's content.

Joel is one of those people that when I first met him I immediately thought, "He and I are going to be very good friends!" And a good friend he has indeed proven to be. He ended up being my Davidson brother hall, so I've had the privilege of cheering for him and his boys at the Lumberjack games, making them cookies and Christmas cards, and when the BAD Civil War comes around in the Spring, we'll be Northside teammates. It's been a blessing to have a brother like Joel be a part of my life this year, and I look forward to many more dance parties with him!

Then I started thinking about food because I was hungry, which made me think of my beloved RD, Pam, and the many meals she's cooked for our team. Pam, Jason, Lexy, and Max are such a precious family, and it has been such an honor to spend so many hours with them in their home this year. Pam cares so much for each of us girls, and I have learned so much from her about relating to and loving people in the last four months. She's honest and real about her own struggles, which makes her so very approachable and a safe place to be real. She told the RA team last Sunday night that this is her last year as an RD in Balyo, and I can't even tell you how much she'll be missed. Jason is like a dad to us RAs, and we know that he'll happily do the background work on any guy we might want to date. :) Just last Tuesday, I spent a couple hours with Max (Pam and Jason's 6-year-old) while he was home from school sick, watching Tom & Jerry and playing Sorry while Pam was in a meeting. From Chinese food lunch dates with Pam to watching football games with Jason to hanging out with Lexy and Max, getting to know the Hortons this year has been such an incredible blessing.

As I was considering my life today, I realized how much I love the place I'm at. I'm going to school and studying something I love; I am living life with thirteen unique and talented young women who I am growing to love more and more every day; I work with a team of student leaders who constantly encourage me and love on me and challenge me to be a better Christian, a better RA, and a better student. The BAD Team (Balyo and Davidson) melded together from the start of training this year, and we have SO much fun together! Just last Monday we hosted a Christmas party for 150 residents complete with an ugly Christmas sweater contest, egg nog chugging, and many games of Elf Ninja. Of course by the end, it just became a big dance party which was a perfect ending to the night! :)

But back to homework now. Dead week is drawing to a close (which isn't really very dead here, but the students are certainly dead at the end of it!) and we're getting ready to head into finals. I don't sleep much these days (my nights usually consist of homework until 3 or 4 in the morning, broken up by talking to Martini about 1am and Ben about 2am on FB chat) then getting up to tackle another day on less than 5 hours of sleep and catching catnaps when I can. But I'm not complaining. Life is good, despite finals, and I am so incredibly blessed.

Mood: COLD!
Music: TV in the background.

My Response to Psalm 136

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting." (Ps. 136:1)

He is the One who sustains me,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He wraps me in His arms of love,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He is able to do so much more than I could ever ask or think,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He will never leave me or forsake me,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He is Everything I need,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He can soften even the hardest heart,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He loves order and beauty,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He paints a masterpiece with every sunset,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He knows every star by name,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
He is big enough to satisfy all my desires,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
But He is personal enough to care when I'm hurt and crying,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting.

Reflections On My Current Life

Tomorrow I go back to school for the final push before Christmas break. The Thanksgiving holiday this year was both good and hard. Not being able to come home much this year has made me appreciate home ever so much more. Not having Alise in town has forced me to stick around home a little more when I am here and spend more time with my family. (There's a silver lining in every cloud, right?!) I enjoyed every second of baking pies, playing board games with the people I love, coloring and cooking and laughing with the kiddos, shopping with my Mom, and working outside with my Dad.

On Thanksgiving morning though, the phone rang at 6:30 am. Jerry (Dick's dad) had died and Mom went down to stay with the kids so Dick and Christina could go over there. We all knew this was coming. He had been sick for so long and for the last week he had been completely unresponsive, so we knew the end was near. But I don't think that anything could prepare a person for that shock. It was so hard seeing my brother and sister in so much pain. Christina's grief was much more open than Dick's was, but it was easy to see the pain etched all over even my normally very non-emotional brother's face. They came over to Thanksgiving dinner, but Dick was even quieter than usual and spent most of the time sitting in the recliner. I never know what to do or say in situations like these, especially with someone like Dick. He's so quiet and reserved, that I'm not sure if he would rather avoid the topic or if he needed to be told how sorry I was. My sister is a little easier, because she cries a lot and I can easily hug her and tell her how much I love her.

So overall, Thanksgiving was not a happy day, but it was still a blessing to spend it with my family. I keep being reminded though, of Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." For quite a few months now, as I've been praying for Dick, I keep getting the feeling that God is at work in his life, and that there could be a spiritual breakthrough coming. My prayer for Dick right now, is that his dad's death will cause him (as well as his brothers and sister) to think about the important things of life. Maybe this will be the stimulus that will prod Dick to start asking the hard questions and to start seeking the Lord in his own life.

I'm dreading going back to Oregon tomorrow. If I had my way, I'd hole up in Lewis County and very rarely leave. But there's only three weeks until Christmas break, and I need to finish this semester out strong. My heart is here though. I love this place, I love these people, I love my life here. I really enjoy traveling, but this is the place I want to come home to. This is where I want to live out my life, minister, raise my kids, and grow old and die.

It's funny how life changes. I realized something tonight, and I sent Alise this text. "A year ago this week, we were all together. You, me, Anthony, Ben, and Jordon. Watching "Kingdom of Heaven" at Ben's house and sitting in Gee Cees until 2am. Remember that?" It was the first time we'd all been together in over a year because of Ben and I and Jordon going off to school and Anthony being deployed to Asia and Alise being in the Middle East for three months. Now, it's a year later and the idea of all of us being together again isn't even in the foreseeable future. Tony is married and splitting his time between San Diego with his wife, and Bremerton with his ship. Alise is living in California. Ben and I are still in Oregon. Jordon will probably be married by next summer. Another night like that one at the Martin's house a year ago will probably never happen again. October in San Diego was close to a reunion . . . four out of the five of us in one place, but it wasn't quite complete without Jordon. In the words of Alise, "I miss us."

Speaking of the future, my parents have been dropping ridiculous hints about me getting married. On Wednesday they were talking about car insurance and informed that if I get married by the time I'm 21, my insurance premiums will go down. "We were hoping you'd come home with some big news at Thanksgiving, so you'd better get on that!" I think they were only partially joking.

Then this morning, my mom and I were shopping for Christmas presents and we found the cutest little Carhartt sweatshirt that we wanted to buy for Ryan. I was lamenting that Ryan was the last little boy that I could buy flannel and camouflage for, and my mom gave me a knowing look and said, "Oh no, I'm sure he won't be the last, you'll contribute to the grandchildren soon!" Great. Now Mom is just waiting for me to add to the grandchild population. Do they realize that no guy is even interested in me? Well, I'm pretty sure they think I'm dating someone and just haven't told them, but that's another story altogether. Sorry Mom and Dad, I'm working on the getting married and having babies business, but it's a process that just can't be rushed.

Mood: A bit random
Music: "Mother Gigogne and the Clowns" from The Nutcracker

The Giving of Thanks

Over the past six to nine months, God has been teaching and re-teaching me to focus on His blessings to me and thank Him continually for all He has done in my life. So since today is Thanksgiving, I thought I'd write down a few of the many people and things for which I am so grateful.

• My Parents: Despite all the heck I've put them through being the VERY non-traditional and black sheep daughter, they still love me so much. Though in some situations it has taken longer than in others, they've supported me in all my decisions, even though they don't really understand why I do some of the things I do. My Mom is the one who laid deep spiritual foundations in my life and modeled for me what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus. My Daddy is the smartest and most trustworthy man I have ever met, completely devoted to his family and never gives up. I love you guys, and God couldn't have given me better parents than you!
• Christina & Dick: I am so blessed to be able to say that my sister is also one of my best friends. Who would have thought that with 15 years between us, that kind of relationships would even be possible? But it's true, and I can't imagine life without her and her husband and her crazy kiddos. Dick is truly my brother, since I really can't remember much of life before he was a part of it. He worries about me and fixes my car for me and is so good to my sister. What more could I ask for?
• Joe & Carol: The things my brother and I have in common are kind of an odd smorgasbord of seemingly unrelated interests, but there's few people in the world that share my love of hiking and Apple computers like Joe does. He has always been my big brother and my hero; I always wanted to be like him. God has given him the gift of compassion and an ability to help people in pain, both medically and mentally, and I marvel at what an amazing doctor he is. Like my dad, he is a wonderful husband and father, and I hope and pray that someday my husband will be as good and loving to his kids as Joe is. I couldn't have asked for a better sister-in-law than Carol. She fits so seamlessly into our family, you'd never know she's only been here for eight years.
• Danny & Sean: Yes, I have an amazing family, but the Lord knew that I needed a second family as well. In the areas where Mom and Dad kind of scratch their heads about me, Danny and Sean understand my passion and my dreams and my vision and cheer me on even when it seems like no one else is there. In the areas where my family lacks communication, they are the ones I can talk to. When a guy shows up in my life and wants to date me, Danny is the one he'll have to talk to.
• Alise: I don't even know where to start with this girl. She understands me like no one else does. She's the person that I can talk to when even I don't quite understand what I'm thinking, and she'll help me piece it together. I can talk to her about everything from where I'm struggling in my walk with the Lord to the ridiculous talk about boys. I know that no matter how far away we are on the map, and no matter what the future holds, we will always be friends . . . that's just how it is. She can't get rid of me very easily!
• Ben: My friendship with this guy has survived some interesting hurdles, but it has definitely come out stronger because of them. He's easily one of the only people that I would even attempt a San Diego road trip with (there and back in one weekend) and the fact that after 36 hours in the car together we don't hate each other, is a miracle in itself! No matter what the future holds, Ben will always have a special place in my heart, and he is a tremendous blessing in my life.
• Danielle: She started out as my high school English teacher, and now I am blessed to consider her a true kindred spirit and friend! She is one of the easiest people I know to talk to, and just being with her makes me feel warm and comfortable. She is such a talented young woman with so much to offer, and I wait in joyful anticipation to see where God will lead her. No matter how long it's been since I last saw her, I feel like I can always sit down with Dani and pick up right where we left off!
• My RA Team: Kristy, Madi, Brenna, Michelle, and Amanda have become probably my closest friends at school this year. As RAs, we experience college life in a way that other students do not, and the six of us share many joys and sorrows. I love each one of them so dearly and I'm honored to serve the Balyo girls alongside them. Vince, Steve, Brady, and Joel, my brother dorm RAs, have blessed my life so much this year as well. It is such a joy to see these guys serving the Lord and serving their peers with such joyful hearts. They continually remind me that yes, there ARE amazing Godly young men still out there, and encourage me to keep my standards set high!

I could literally go on and on and on. But . . . It's 1:30AM now, and I'm getting up in 2 1/2 hours to go Black Friday shopping with Mom. So this may or may not be continued at a later date. But as I look over this list again, my heart sings praise because the Lord has indeed blessed me so abundantly. And this list is only the beginning of the people He's blessed me with . . . I haven't even touched on things like the blessing of my school, my job, my ministry as an RA, my church, and living in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. Sometimes the sheer immensity of it all threatens to overwhelm me, and all I can say is, "Thank You Jesus."

Mood: Grateful

Music: Nutcracker music

Tears

There is a crying party going on in my room right now. Girls are sitting on my couch holding each other and bawling. Lots of kleenex are involved.

I feel like this is a phenomenon that I will never fully understand. I don't like to cry in front of people. In fact, I will go to great lengths to make sure that people do not see me cry.  But when I do, I try my best to be alone when the tears flow.  And when those times come, I bawl and sob and sniff and wail, but I do it by myself.

So maybe it's just my personality? Maybe it's because I'm not much of a girly-girl? But whatever the reason, I don't understand crying parties. Why on earth one would want to be in a room with a bunch of people, multiple boxes of kleenex, and millions of tears is beyond me.

Mood: Contemplative
Music: Rain outside

Thoughts From Tonight

I'm sitting in my room with my feet propped up on my desk listening to a hum-dinger of a wind/rain storm howl outside my window. In my current position, my feet and my gluteus maximus will "fall asleep" in approximately 5-10 minutes, but that's ok. Right now I am oh-so-comfortable.

Today as I was meeting with Dr. Baker to schedule my spring semester classes, he mentioned that we'll be filling out my graduation application soon. Talk about a rather frightening moment. Eighteen months from now, Lord willing, I'll walk out of this institution with a Bachelors degree in Student and Family Ministry, about $45,000 in debt, and from my current point of view, no clue what to do with that piece of paper I spent so much time and money acquiring. I am a female, Southern Baptist, ministry major who is basically expected to use that degree to be a really good volunteer Sunday School teacher. Now trust me, I don't have anything against being a Sunday School teacher; I think that those men and women are some of the most influential and wonderful people in a kid's life, and I'm sure I will spend a lot of time doing just that, no matter what my career plans end up looking like, and that will be an incredible honor, but I feel like God has called me to something else too.

I did quite a bit of research on seminary graduate programs tonight, and I was left feeling a bit perplexed. Why do I even want to go to seminary? Spending that much more money on ministry education will definitely not be worth it financially. However, I do love school, I really do. I like learning new things, I like reading, and yes, I even like writing papers. (Which is what I should be doing right now, but that's another story!) The only practical reason for me to get my MDiv would be so that I could be a college professor. And is that what I want to do? Not necessarily, but I wouldn't rule it out. I love writing, and one of my favorite classes so far has been my Curriculum Development class where I wrote a Bible Study. I could write?

So these thoughts don't make a lot of sense, but oh well. That's all for tonight, I need to finish writing my exegetical now.

Mood: Contemplative
Music: The rain outside :)

Layers

Tonight in our RA meeting we talked about layers and we made these little "Layer Jars." You know, those things you used to make in elementary school where you take a clear jar and pour the layers of sand into it to create a cool design. There are a lot of parallels that one can draw from our little object lesson, and we talked about several different aspect of layers - good and bad reasons that people layer their lives, layers in our own lives, layers in the lives of girls in our halls, how to dig into those layers, etc. The point that stuck out to me though was the idea of layers in my own life, and an off-hand comment that Pam made about the colors we chose for the layers in our jars.



These are pictures of the layer jar I made. As we were all sitting there looking at each other's jars, Pam made some funny comments about them and about the colors we'd ended with. Kristy's was yellow like the bright, happy, sunshine-y person that she is; Madi's was orange, a deeper, rich and slightly less in-your-face joy, etc. Inadvertently, I realized, each one of us had chose an ending color that in some way really did describe that outer layer of ourselves - the one that most of the world sees and the one that tends to define us.

Mine was brown. It's a really normal color, it's not bright and flashy, it's the color of the everyday things we see all around us. It's dirt, it's tree trunks, it's rocks, and it's a river at flood stage. It's a little dull, it's not the first thing people notice. Way too often I realize that I'm comparing myself to the sunshine people and the and the rainbow people and the blue sky people, and I always come up short. I'm not a super gifted teacher or speaker; I'm not the one that the kids always gravitate towards; I'm not outgoing or dynamic like all the good youth leaders I know; I don't have a unified, fun-loving hall like the other RA on my floor; I screw up so often, and it always seems like I'm surrounded by people who have it all together. Gosh, I admit it, a lot of times I do feel like dirt - ordinary, unimportant, and altogether substandard when compared to the things around me. But I forget that dirt has its place too. How would flowers grow without the dirt? How could little kids make mud pies without dirt? How could people make adobe bricks without dirt? It's not flashy and it's not dynamic, but it has its place and it serves a purpose. God has made me EXACTLY who He wanted me to be. At this particular point in my life, I'm not supposed to be the "sunshine girl" who is dynamic and outgoing, or the "blue sky girl" who the little kids all love and cling to, or the "rainbow girl" who always has the right words to say at just the right times. God will grow me and stretch me in the ways that He needs me to be grown and stretched in order to fit His purposes in His timing. Yes, I think that He's called me to youth ministry, and in these moments where I'm being honest and vulnerable, that scares me out of my mind. When I look at myself, I don't see someone who is a good candidate for leading teenagers. I see dirt and rocks and tree trunks and muddy rivers. But God sees who I can become if I'll just submit all my "brown-ness" to Him and let him mold me into something He can use. Because hey, clay is brown too, and the good thing about clay is that it's easily moldable. Oh Jesus, please let me be brown clay that You can make into something useable.

The second thing I thought about as we were making our jars, was about those layers beneath the brown. Getting to those other colors requires some digging, some time, and some effort before someone can really see what's under the initial brown on top. I started wondering: Do I really have people in my life who even know that there's greens and blues down there? Do I have people in my life who know that there are even more brown patches beneath the surface? As I thought about it, a couple people came immediately to mind - Alise and Sean and Danny - but there's definitely no one in my life here in Salem that knows my deeper layers. Those three people that I already mentioned mean the world to me, and it's a comfort to know that they are always only a phone call away and they would do anything in their power for me if I needed it, but at the same time, they're not HERE. They're in CR and SoCal and they're not walking through everyday life with me during this season. That's definitely not their faults, or anyone else's; it's just how life is. But I am lonely. It's funny how I can live in a building with 90 other young women and still feel so utterly alone sometimes. There's no one here who really knows me, who knows what makes me "tick," who knows what I'm passionate about, who knows what I struggle with, who knows ME at my core. And that, my friend, really sucks. If there's anything I re-realized in these past few days, it's how much I value relationships. I desperately want to know people and be known by others. I want to really live in community and share my life with others. I need to be held accountable and be spurred on in my walk with the Lord. I want to be known. But that seems like an overwhelming request. How do I go about that? How can I have that sort of relationship with someone here, at school, in the insanity that is my life?

So many questions. But questions are good. You can't find answers until you first ask the questions.

Mood: Contemplative

Music: None

Trilingual Journaling

Now when I write the phrase "trilingual," I am in no way implying that yours truly is trilingual. I do know selected phrases from a smattering of languages though, and tonight as I was journaling, I realized that I had words in three different languages written on my page. The first, of course, was English.

Yes, shocking I know, but I about 95.4% of the time I tend to journal in my heart language of English. But I was writing about some new Greek vocabulary words I was working on, and I had just learned the word for peace, which brings me to language number two.

That is the word for "peace" in Greek. It's the word used in John 14:27 when Jesus says, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." I was writing about an area in my life in which I really don't have that peace; an area in which I am very troubled and afraid, and I decided that being troubled and afraid was no good. Or, as I put it in the third language:

Jesus offers peace, in every area of my life. In my relationships, in my academics, in my work, in my family. Man, I have GOT to take Him up on that, because this no-peace thing is exhausting.

Mood: Moving towards peaceful.

Music: My roommate talking in her sleep again.

Ridiculous

It's ridiculous what you'll do for someone you love. Not necessarily anything bad, but it's crazy how when someone dear to you asks you to do something, even when you desperately don't want to do it, you'll do it because you love them. This happened to me today. Someone that I love really dearly asked me to do something as a favor for them. The favor they asked was the very last thing I wanted to do, but I would do almost anything for this friend. What they asked wasn't a bad thing at all. In fact, it was a pretty good thing, but my selfish, jealous self didn't want to do it. But I'm doing it because I love them. There's definitely no other explanation or reason.

But that's how it is with God, isn't it? When we love Him so dearly, we'll do whatever He asks us to do, simply because of our love for Him. I say I love God, but it's in instances like these that I realize how little I really do love Him. When my friend asked me to do this, I didn't even hesitate. I said, "Yes, of course I'll do it. I'll do it for you." But so often when God asks me to do something, I say, "Oh God, really? I would rather not ..." Oh that I would love Him enough to say, "Yes God, of course I'll do it. I'll do it for You."

Mood: Contemplative
Music: The clock ticking

Tonight I Dance

A month or so ago, I wrote a blog entitled "Pain. Hope. Love." I posted it on my Facebook blog, so if you want to read it, you can do so here. (www.facebook.com/ckann) But tonight I'm continuing that story a bit.

It doesn't seem like a week and a half ago that Pam called, offering me an RA position in Balyo this year. It was a whirlwind, trying to wrap up loose ends from the summer while still trying to pack to move back down south, two weeks earlier than I had expected. On Wednesday, I was thrown in my RA training program that had been going on for nearly a week already, trying to pull together a hall theme in two days when the other girls had been working on theirs since last spring. Jaclyn, the girl I was replacing, was dearly loved by the rest of the RA team, and I worried that it would be hard for the others to accept me being her replacement. Besides the RA shock, I was trying to quickly wrap up some of the summer's events, and deal with some of my relationships with people that simply needed to be brought out in the open. I had to say goodbye to my best friend, knowing that I wouldn't see her again for at least two months. Talk about an emotionally draining few weeks! There were tears, there was stress, there were awkward moments, there were goodbyes.

But tonight, I dance. The Lord is good, and He delights in making all things beautiful. I have had perfect peace about accepting the RA position. I know that the Lord has had this in His plan for me since the beginning. God has been preparing me for this in huge ways in the last year, and I just wasn't aware of what the assignment would be. I was able to take the lessons God taught me this summer and express them artistically on the walls of my hall, pulling it together in a very short amount of time. Since arriving back at school, I have been nearly stress-free, even in the face of massive events and deadlines. The rest of the RA team has loved me from the start. I arrived to a giant vase of sunflowers on my desk, and five sweet letters from the other girls, telling me how glad they were that I was here, and encouraging me that God knew from the start that I would be the one to live life with the girls of Balyo 1st Floor North this year. I have built some awesome friendships with some incredible, godly men and women who have hearts to serve the students of this school. Facing some of the relationships in my life that needed to be dealt with has been such an amazing picture of the Lord bringing beauty from ashes. It is so true that He never asks me to surrender something without giving me something truly better. Though it has been hard, and my heart has not yet fully healed, I rejoice in the beautiful, strong, deep friendship the Lord has brought from a heartbreaking situation. I miss my best friend, but I am so very confident in the fact that she is on the path God has clearly laid out for her, and I am also confident that she is going to succeed in whatever this next year brings. She is beautiful, strong, and sensitive to His will. What a recipe for Godly success!

So tonight, I am dancing with tears of joy. Being an RA is going to be a lot of work. It's going to require some serious changes in my time management habits, but even before all this happened, God had been speaking to me about that anyways. It's going to be a goal. :) I have learned for myself that the Lord brings beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:1-3) and I have experienced the blessings of hard surrender. I spent an incredible summer with my best friend and I eagerly anticipate what God is going to do in her life in the coming months. God is so good! I am so blessed. He is Enough. He is my Everything.

Mood: Dancing/Crying
Music: None

"These are the Moments We'll Remember All Our Lives"

Tonight was all-around good. The evening began with our LAST hall sectional. We went down to the cottage and enjoyed sparkling cider and cupcakes while sharing good times and memories from the past year. Rachel, Madi, Karissa, Aloura, Steph, Miranda, Alison, Kerstyn, Makenna, Kiva, Lindsay, Kaitlyn, and Kelli - I love these girls so incredibly much. They have been a humongous part of making this year so special and life-changing. We love to be together, we love to laugh, we love to take pictures, we love to sit in the hall, not do homework, and talk about boys. It's sad to think that the fourteen of us will never live all together again, but these girls will forever hold a very special place in my heart. From crazy beach retreats, to awkward hall quotes, to late-night doughnut runs and being purple people eaters, "The Team" can never be replaced.

But the fun had just begun. Earlier, Kaitlyn, Makenna, Holly, Carol, and I had decided to have an "end of year root beer drinking party" after sectional tonight. We had gone and bought the necessary root beer earlier, so after sectional we headed out. The original plan was to go down on the soccer field and star-gaze and drink and talk, but then we got scared of nutria. Plus it was super dark down there and we didn't have a flashlight. So naturally, we hitched a ride back up the hill (this time it was a nice couple coming back from a date who let us ride in the back of their truck) and we went back to Balyo to get a flashlight and formulate Plan B. And off we went to the water tower. The path up to the water tower was also very dark, scary, and sketch, so it took quite a bit of convincing to get Kenna and I up there, but I think we're both glad we did it. :) We laid on our blankets, watching the stars, throwing rocks at the water tower, drinking root beer, and talking about everything from how God has worked in our lives this year, to the usual "FWP Updates" all around.

It seemed the fun was over for tonight, so I headed to my room to start homework (hee hee) and do laundry, but just as I had gotten everything into my bag to drag down the hall to the laundry room, I heard voices outside my window. It was Carol and Holly and Makenna and Kaitlyn and they were going around to the different dorms banging on windows with lights still on and running away. Naturally I was like, "Ooooo, me come too!" and I put my tennis shoes back on and headed back out, homework still not started of course. We started out over at PVG, but most everyone was asleep over there, or else there were too many couples sitting outside making out. Ben was still up, but security was hanging around so no good scaring opportunities there. Then we skedaddled on down to Farrar who had a plethora of lights still on. The beauty of Farrar is that their windows don't have screens, so we threw small rocks into boys' open windows. You must understand that Farrar men are very large, loud, and manly, so they yelled out their windows at us in their deep voices as we ran away. (OK, I admit, I was not the one actually throwing pebbles. I was the lookout for security!) Then we went down to Aagard and were just about to scare the crap outta some poor girl who had her lights on and her window still open, but then her neighbor scared us instead! We wander back down Deer Park Drive in the direction of Farrar and someone has the bright idea to throw rocks in their windows again. This time the boys do more than yell. As we're running away, large, manly Farrar guys are running out of their dorm chasing us. We're sure we're dead meat, and we're trying to run back up the hill, but guys can run faster than girls. Just then we see a car coming up Warrior Drive and we basically jump out in front of it and bang on the windows to get the guy to let us in. Turns out, it was Kyle (Ben's 1st semester roommate!) and we all piled into his VW Bug just in the nick of time! He drops us off at Balyo and we collapse on the back steps laughing with our hearts still beating a million miles a minute and our legs still shaking.

Now I'm sitting here (It's almost 3am) and I still need to do my homework. But tonight was such good times with such amazing girls that I wanted to write it out while it was still fresh in my mind. "These are the moments we'll remember all our lives."



Mood: Happy.
Music: Clock ticking.

Sometimes Less is More

• God can bring beauty from ashes.
• Pain. Love. Hope. [My hall girls are amazing.]
• Galatians 2:19-21
• Honesty and transparency - Humbling and scary, but needed.
• Choose thankfulness over complaint.
• I don't wanna go through the motions anymore. This has to be real. I have no other options.

The Cry of My Heart

These words describe so much of how I feel right now. Amazing song.

This might hurt
It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care
If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something

Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

On Life and Love and Little Women

My roomie and I went to see the play Little Women tonight. Boy oh boy do I love live theater. It was SO good! I am especially attached to this particular play because it was one of my all-time favorites growing up and Jamie and I had grand plans to put on our own production of it way back in the day. I would be Jo of course (the brown hair and tomboy-ish personality, duh!) and Jamie would be Meg and Jeanette would be Amy and Beth would be Beth. It was the perfect casting. So because of my deep, long-lasting love for Louisa May Alcott's Little Women, I auditioned for Corban's production of it back in December. I didn't get cast, something which I was very disappointed about at the time, but now I'm so glad I didn't. With all the homework and stress I have right now, adding intense, long play practices into the mix would have been insanity. But I digress.

The point of this blog though, was my sappy reflections, once again, on life and love, this time in the context of my favorite play. My absolute favorite part of Little Women is the relationship between Jo and Laurie. On the other hand though, it's also my least favorite part, because in the movie as you know, Jo doesn't marry Laurie. She marries her German professor and Amy marries Laurie. It makes me SO MAD every time! The play though, ends with Meg engaged to John Brook, Father home from the war, Beth recovering from scarlet fever, and Jo and Laurie as best friends. In the next-to-last scene, where Jo is overcome with worry about Beth's health and her mother being away, Laurie is there, as he always is, being the strong person Jo can lean on. When he tells her that he has already sent for her mother to come home, Jo is so overcome with joy and gratitude that she leaps into Laurie's arms and he swings her around and kisses her on the forehead. This takes Jo aback and she is rather overcome with the thought of Laurie caring for her in that way. The ensuing lines are rather comical as she attempts to come to grips with the idea.

In the final scene, the whole family is congregated in the March house for Christmas. Meg and John have just gotten engaged and Jo is in a tizzy over the thought of losing her sister. Once again, it is Laurie who calms Jo and persuades her to join the rest of the family at the piano, singing Christmas carols, and celebrating family and friends. As the curtain closes, Jo and Laurie are standing with the rest of the March and Lawrence families and Jo is sweetly leaning on Laurie, perfectly comfortable with him as her best friend.

I think it's beautiful. The end of the play leaves them as best friends, just on the brink of falling in love. I love the idea of two people who are best friends first and foremost, realizing that they're "perfect for each other, and [they'll] never find another." (Colbie Callait) It's like I've said to Alise before: If I don't marry someone who I know right now, then it will probably be years and years before I get married. Why? Because I want him to be one of my best friends FIRST, and I think that Little Women is such a beautiful picture of that. *sigh* It gets me every time.

Mood: Swoony
Music: None

A Quote

Why do we always say we're fine,
when it's obvious we're lying?
Why don't we ever tell the truth,
what do we got to lose?

"When the Time Comes" The Classic Crime

One of Those Days

I'm having one of those days where I feel like I suck at life. I hate feeling like I'm always being behind, I hate having to squeeze my quiet time in at the end of the day, I hate feeling like I'm not doing as well as I could, I hate having a messy room, I hate all the unfilled check boxes in my planner, I hate having to cram information into my brain for tests rather than learning and soaking stuff up because it fascinates me.

I want to sit down and write about all the cool stuff I'm learning about how Christians should interact with culture. I want to write it all out for ME, not for a prof. I want to see all my thoughts about my frustration with the "Corban bubble" and my intolerance for Christian music and my love for great literature down on paper.

I want to sit down and read the classics just because I want to. I want to savor the words and learn from the experiences and wisdom of others. I want to read just because I love to read, not because it's assigned.

I want to sit down and just spend time in God's presence, reading His Word and journaling and listening and worshiping. I need Him, oh I need Him.

Mood: Frustrated
Music: People talking in the hall.

Decisions

I want to crawl under the covers right now and sleep for about a week. Either that or cry. Or both. I don't even know why, I'm just tired and confused I guess. I have a whole bunch of decisions I have to make soon, and they're kind of stressing me out. I didn't get cast in the play, so now I have to decide about Italy. That feels like it should be pointing towards going on the trip, but I just don't feel at peace about it. Of course I'm really disappointed about not getting cast in the play too. I can't apply to be an RA next year because training starts the week before we even go to youth camp. I mean, that's fine because I'm so excited about being an intern this summer, but it's still disappointing because I've always wanted to be a RA. I just turned in my exegetical paper and it just makes me sick to my stomach because I feel like I did a pretty horrible job on it, and that of course brings pain to my little good-grade loving heart. Not to mention that I just wanted to badly to write this paper well, no matter the grade. I miss having that accomplished feeling of writing a paper that I was truly proud of like I did in my English classes at Centralia.
Ok, seriously, going to bed now. Who cares that it's not even five o'clock.

Mood: Uh, crappy.
Music: None. It would probably annoy me.

Overwhelmed-ness.

I drove back to school today after a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving break that included my mom's amazing food, lots of loud obnoxious children, Aladdin, Bugs Bunny, a midnight shopping trip, a movie night with the gang just like old times, Gee Cees at 2AM, a run in with the cops, (don't worry, I didn't do anything wrong!) lots of sleep, and a fantastic birthday party for Hillary. :) Yep, I think that pretty much covers it. Fantastic week!

But on my drive back today, I had lots of time to think about stuff. Always scary, I know. But I realized that the more I learn about God and the more I listen to and talk to people who are older and wiser than I am, the more I realize just how much I DON'T know! People always say that college freshmen think they're so smart because they're learning all this cool new stuff (maybe that's a Pastor Joe quote, I'm not sure) but I sure don't feel like that. I feel completely overwhelmed by all the things I want to learn and know and have become a part of my life that I feel like I'll never accomplish. I know that I'll never fully understand God, which is great, because I wouldn't want to worship a God that I could understand, but I feel so very lost and overwhelmed by the sheer amount that I want to learn. I feel like I'll never know enough about God to be able to answer questions like Danny always answers my questions. I feel like I haven't even scratched the surface.

But on the other hand, that's also a very exciting place to be. There is so much to learn about God that will make me love Him more and make me even more amazed by His awesomeness, that I'll be learning for the rest of my life. Ok, this is all turning into a jumbled mess in my brain, so I think I'll stop trying to explain it for now. Peace out.

Mood: Good.
Music: Christmas music!

Weekends and Thinking Quotas

It was Corban Experience weekend. Alise and Linnea came down here on Saturday (finally, after a slight "detour" through Astoria or some such atrocity) so that we could hang out and do fun stuff before the official "preview weekend" started. We explored cool coffee shops in Salem; played LOTS of ping pong, pool, and foosball; shopped; and oh, we post-it noted and saran-wrapped Ben's car. :) Go us!



Ah yes, good times. It was a WONDERFUL weekend! I can only imagine how much trouble Alise and I would get in if she went to school here and lived here full time. Wow, just thinking about that nearly puts me over my thinking quota for the week. :)

Mood: Weird.
Music: "Out of Control" by Capital Lights

Elisabeth Elliot Quotes

Holiness has never been the driving force of the majority. It is, however, mandatory for anyone who wants to enter the kingdom.

Don't strain your eyes to see the future - for you will not be able to see clearly what God wants you to see NOW.

Some Things to Talk About

I think I'm going to try to get back into the habit of blogging regularly. It's a great stress reliever, and while procrastinating on homework last weekend, I completely rehauled my blog, which hasn't been done since I first started it, some three or four odd years ago. Now that it's all pretty again, I really want to write in it more. :)

During one of my 59-times-a-day checking of my e-mail this morning, I got two messages regarding the Italy spring break trip. [Side note: Katie M. used to tell me that she checked her email obsessively when she started college, and I never quite believed the extent to which she told me it would be important. I believe her now. Mail or lack thereof can truly make or break the day of a college student!] But yes, Italy you say? Well, let me start from the beginning. Corban does all these cool mission trips during spring break every year, and I hadn't really thought seriously about going on any of them, but I got an email about an informational meeting on the Italy trip and decided to just go check it out. Ok, mostly to see how much it cost. Especially with the economy being like it is, I hate asking people (my church) for money. I honestly had no intention of even considering going.

Random side note: My roommate is gone and I haven't seen her for a while. This is weird. She usually doesn't just disappear like that. Hmmmm. I hope she comes back; I kinda like her.

Ok, back to Italy. The meeting was good. The trip is definitely affordable. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized what a cool opportunity this could be. With my background, I have lots of experience with Catholicism and a real heart for Catholics - after all, I used to be one! I started thinking and praying about it, and even talked to my parents about it, which I expected to not go so well. To my surprise, they were totally like "Whatever" about it. Wow, huh?

But I need to decide - soon - whether I'm going to go or not. And I have no idea what to do. I've been praying about it and thinking about it, and feel like I really don't know the answer. I want to go, and so far it seems like things have pointed towards that, but I just really want to know that it's what God wants for me. So I guess we'll see what happens.

In other business: My hall is awesome. My RA is the absolute BEST! Really, I'm absolutely convinced that no other hall has a better RA than Madi, she's the best!

Alise and Linnea will be here next weekend. YAY! I think that's all for now. I'm going to study for my Bible Study Methods quiz and go to bed. Peace out!

Mood: Ok
Music: "Nutcracker Suite" (YAY for Christmas music!)

Queen of Procrastination

Yes, it is I, the Queen of Procrastination. I have two exams tomorrow (Psychology and American Thought) and have been COMPLETELY unmotivated to study for either of them ALL WEEKEND.

Yes, this is bad.

The semester is winding down, and I'm definitely in the "end of semester" mode. Nineteen-some-odd days until Thanksgiving break, then back for a week and a half, then home for Christmas! I'm so stoked for Christmas! I'm going to cook and bake to my heart's content, teach my sis how to snowboard, spend some quality time on my own board, hang out with Alise, go Christmas shopping with my girls, GO TO BACHELOR!, spend lots of time at church, work at the Pharmacy and make money for next semester, go bowling, and get my hair cut. :) I think that looks like a good list, don't you?

But even though I'm crazy-excited for the breaks, the nerd in me is still looking forward to next semester. I should figure out my classes in the next week, and they're going to be mostly Bible/ministry classes from here on out, and I'm SO excited about that! I went to a game night/fellowship-thingie last night for all the ministry majors here, and had such a great time! It's going to be a blast to get to know those people who share my passion for ministry, and Dr. Baker (the youth ministry department head, who is also my advisor) reminds me so much of Danny! Cool, huh?

Ok, ok, ok, I've gotta get back to my ATC and Psych study sheets. *sigh* The last time I was home I realized that my parents are going to be livid if I get anything less than straight A's in all my classes this semester. So I'd better get at it.

Mood: Chillaxin'
Music: "Angel of Music" by Andrew Loyd Weber

High Time for a Happy Note

My last several blogs have been very sad and depressing. Ugh, I'm sorry! I hate being melancholy, truly I do! So here's a happy note! I've decided something. Are you ready for this?

I love it here.

Now I'm not quite sure if I can call Salem "home" yet, but that's ok. I can still love it here and not call it home. Yes, Toledo is still my home even though it seems weird when I'm there, and I still hope and pray that I can live there again. I still miss my church and my friends more than words can say, but I still love it here. Finding a church is still a want-to/don't-want-to thing for me, but I know that I'm supposed to be involved in a community of believers here, so I trust that God will show me His place for me. I still don't have a friend like Alise here, one that I can pour my heart out to, but that's ok. No one can take her place and I don't want anyone to. So I guess a better way of putting that is that I'm adjusting VERY well to being here, which is a total answer to prayer, since it's only been two months. :) I love living in the dorm with these girls, I love being free to do random and crazy stuff when I have time to and I'm not doing homework. For the most part, I love my classes. I wrote my first big assignment for a Bible class tonight, and realized how amazingly cool it is to be able to study the Bible...for SCHOOL! Through several sets of circumstances, I have realized anew that God has planned that I would be here, in this dorm, in this hall, since the beginning of my life. What a humbling and amazing concept! I'm still not 100% at peace with my major, but God's been confirming that too, so I think I'm well on my way.

God is so good, and He takes such amazing care of His children!! Thank all of you for all your prayers and please don't stop, but I'm so grateful!

Mood: Content
Music: Something by Chris Brown

Late Night Thoughts

It is roughly 2am, so I'm not exactly sane at the moment. I'm going four-wall crazy, and I just got back from Taco Bell. Thank goodness for fast food being open until 3am on weekends. My two beef soft tacos with no lettuce were heavenly. My roommate is gone for the weekend and I spent my afternoon watching "The Office" and playing "Gold Strike" (aka, the stupidest computer game known to man). I'm currently trying to beat my high score of 75,000. Go me.

I spent a good hour on the phone with Samantha tonight. She's officially "in a relationship" with Blake. Everyone say, "Awwwww!" I'm happy for her, I really am. Thrilled actually. From what I've heard, he seems like a fantastic guy. But it's nights like this that I just can't help but wonder.

When will it be my turn? Will it EVER be my turn? Will I ever get to change my Facebook status from "single" to "in a relationship"? Will I ever meet a guy who wants to tell the world that I'm his girl? Is he out there? Will there ever be a guy who is just completely crazy about me?

Being here makes it even harder. I'm surrounded, all the time, by these adorable Christian couples, watching guys treat girls like royalty, and just be so dang CUTE! Friday nights are date nights, and what did I do tonight? Yep, I sat in my room, eating Nutella and playing Gold Strike. Depressing, eh? But even more sad is the fact that I have yet to meet a single guy here. Not even one. Ok, I was introduced to Ben's friend Joey one night when we were both at Wal Mart at like 12:30, but he doesn't even recognize me in the halls, so that doesn't count.

Now don't get my wrong, I'm not in the "ring by spring" crowd, I'm here to get my degree. That is definitely my focus! It's just frustrating. Grrrrr.

Mood: Contemplative
Music: "Strong" by Jordyn Taylor

The Little Things That Make Me Happy

Ok, this might completely strange and insignificant to some people, but it made me ridiculously happy! I had a couple of errands to run today--WalMart to pick up my contacts and photos, and Office Max to get my Algebra book shrink wrapped (more on that later!)--and they're kind of on opposite sides of Salem. Ok, maybe they're not really OPPOSITE, but to get to Wal Mart you go left from school, and to get to Office Max, you go right. That's opposite in my mind. So I pretty much figured that I'd go to Wal Mart and drive all the way back to school and then to Office Max because I didn't know any other way to get there. In other words, do a LOT of driving. I was pretty sure that there WAS an easier way to get there, but I for sure didn't know it. So I go to WalMart, am frustrated because my pictures aren't there yet (they said they'd be in yesterday!) and on the way sit in construction on Turner Rd for a long time. Grrrr, right? So I decided to be brave and try to find a different way to Office Max that avoided going back through the construction.

Yeah, I'm a brave one. :)

In the back of my mind, I figured I'd get on the freeway, drive north another exit or so, and hopefully hit the Lancaster exit. So I get on the highway, trying to find the exit for I-5 North (I'm still getting used to the fact that Portland is "north" from here!) and I see it. The sign says "Lancaster Drive 3/4 mi." I don't even have to get on the freeway!! So I successfully navigated the lane changes and crazy Oregon drivers, got on Lancaster, found Office Max, and got my book shrink-wrapped, all without getting back on the freeway OR having to sit through construction traffic again!

GO ME!

Yes, I know it's silly, but to me it was a very profound moment. I think I kind of proved to myself that I really am going to be ok and survive here. I am finding my way around in a semi-new and strange town, doing what I need to do in everyday life all on my own, without my parents and friends. I dropped my math class this morning, which was totally stressing me out, and enrolled in a missions class called Global Perspectives, rounding out my semester at 15 credits. My planner is full of notes and empty check boxes, but that's ok too, because I have an organized list of everything that needs to be done, my desk is clean, my bed is made, and I am ready to tackle that list. If I get it all done in a reasonable amount of time, Kelli and I are going to watch "The Italian Job" tonight. :)

But in 40 minutes I have a Young Life meeting to go to, which I'm super excited about too. I really really want to get involved in Young Life here. And oh yes! About that shrink-wrapped Algebra book. You can't return books at the campus bookstore if they've been opened, and I opened this stupid $160 book after I started the class, freaked out because it was ridiculously hard and I didn't have a teacher (it was an on-line class) and was then out the $160. So I went to Office Max, paid $.75 to have it shrink wrapped, and now I'm going to return it. Hee hee, I'm working the bookstore system. :)

Mood: Optimistic
Music: Henry's podcast of last week's Sunday school class.

Just Me and My Boys

My best friend obviously decided to go globetrotting this summer, =) leaving me to single-handedly defend the entire race of womankind against crazy boys. Ha ha, let me explain.

It's always been me, Alise, and Hillary (in the last year or so at least) who always hang with Ben, Anthony, Jordon, sometimes John, and occasionally the pack of little guys (Peter, Reid, Bret, etc). The family, ya know? But now Alise is halfway across the world (well, soon anyways) and things are too awkward between Hillary and Jordon for her to hang out with us anymore. Which makes me very sad.

But do some math. Yes, you can do it. You're smart. That leaves Ben, Anthony, Jordon, sometimes John, the pack of little guys, and ... me. First off, it's stinking hilarious, and secondly, farting, burping, BO, and "women in the kitchen" jokes no longer bother me in any way, shape, or form. =)

Take Wednesday night for example. We decide to go bowling after church. Me, Ben, Jordon, Anthony, and John. And we all cram into Jordon's little Chevy Cavalier. Whoo boy, talk about bonding. I'm squished between JOHN and BEN in the backseat. They're big guys, and Jordon's car is very small. Trying to get your phone out of your pocket is pretty much impossible.

But I seriously think I've never laughed so hard in my life. From farting contests in WinCo to the aforementioned "women belong in the kitchen" jokes while driving down Ocean Beach Highway, to 30-mph fast balls in Hilander, I almost peed my pants on several occasions from sheer laughter. However, I used a pink ball at bowling just for spite. =)

Tonight we went to see "The Incredible Hulk." I DESPERATELY wanted a girl to go with me, and I searched high and low! Hillary obviously couldn't go, Heather is kinda grounded in CR for the time being, Beth works nights these days, Emmy was at the Tacoma Dome for her sister's graduation, Linnea had to stay home, and Sam was working. Shucks.

But oh well. It actually ended up just being me and Ben and Peter, and the movie was great. I've definitely decided that I hardcore love Marvel Comics that have been made into movies. Spiderman, Batman, Incredible Hulk, Ironman. They're just so good!

It's probably what my whole summer is gonna look like though! Me and my boys, just chillin. Watching movies and eating food. =) It's gonna be fun, and I'm excited. I already have this summer pegged as "the best summer of my life" cuz it's definitely been that so far, and it's only been a week! I can't wait for the rest!!

Mood: All smiles.
Music: "Photograph" by Nickelback.

Thus Begins Summer!

And thus begins my senior summer! Saturday was probably the most amazing day of my life so far. I loved every minute of it! Actually, the last two weeks have been fun beyond words! I was at Krenelka's today, and Sean and I put together the graduation pages for the annual. While we were working on it, she asked me if I kind of wished I had graduated with Academy.

I didn't even have to think about it. "Absolutely not," I said. I don't regret my decision to graduate from Toledo for even a second, and I don't wish I'd been involved with Academy as a senior. My close senior friends from LCLC didn't graduate from there; actually most of them graduated from Toledo. To be perfectly honest, the LCLC senior class was kind of lame this year. Only two people went on the cruise, and the class in general just wasn't close and didn't do anything together at all. Even though I didn't have a ton of close friends in my THS class, everything just worked out perfectly. I can't even describe it. It was a definite God-thing. =)

And then last night Alise flew out for Chicago. Everything that fell into place for her to go was, again, a total God-thing. I'm so excited for everything that she's going to do and see and learn this summer, but gosh, I'm going to miss her like all git out! Fifty-eight days till she comes home! And hoo boy will the stories fly then!

Mood: Exhausted
Music: None

Accepted!!

So I get home from school today and the phone rings. It's a lady from Corban calling to tell me that they've received all my paperwork and I've been accepted!!

*Carrie starts "pulling a Katie" and running down the hallway screaming and flailing her arms*

It's so crazy to think that I'm going to be moving out this fall and living two hours away from my family, friends, and church, going to "real college" and having to deal with all of the "real world" stuff. It's horribly exciting and horribly intimidating all at the same time.

I found a group on Facebook today called "I Picked A Major I Liked, and One Day I Will Probably Be Living In A Box." It made me laugh because it seems so ridiculously true!! I've always joked about some day being a bum and living in a cardboard box under a bridge, and who knows? I'm definitely not going into ministry for the money, :) and I was reading in the book Pursuit of God today about not being so attached to our possessions. Maybe God is trying to tell me something. :) I'm thinking that a refrigerator box would be quite nice. I'd be set with a nice warm sleeping bag and some top ramen. Yes, you can eat Ramen raw.

So now I'm just waiting on the financial aid paperwork. That is definitely going to be the make-or-break part of this whole deal. Corban is VERY expensive!! And I'm just a poor custodial engineer. :] But it's all in God's hands. If Corban is where he wants me, then He's gonna work out every last detail!!

Mood: Thrilled
Music: "Treason" by Kutless

Love, Life, Friends, and the Future

My MySpace mood-thing right now says that I'm "contemplating life, love, friends, and the future." And I guess I am. Life can be SO weird sometimes. So can love and friends and the future. =]


I get so frustrated with myself when I don't want to forgive. Like right now, I know I need to forgive someone, but that horrible jerk-ish part of me doesn't want to do it until she realizes that she hurt me and says she's sorry.


But that's not the way it works. Even if the other person never ever realizes that their actions and words hurt me and brought me to tears, I still need to forgive them if for no other reason than that they DIDN'T realize it. Because I hope that if they didn't realize it, then they truly didn't mean to do it.


I can't put conditions on forgiveness though. If I want God to forgive me unconditionally, then I've gotta forgive others like that. And that's a pretty powerful motivator, especially for someone like me who messes up a LOT!

I hate it when friendships slip away. Especially over dumb things that we'll look back on later and be like, "That was so STUPID!" It makes me want to cry. Another thing that makes me want to burst into tears is when I see friends doing things that I can see are harmful for them. I can see it because I'm outside of the emotion of the situation, but the person in the middle of it is blind to the danger. So even if you try to talk to them about it, they won't listen because they can't see it. Sad seems like such an inadequate word to express how I feel about this sort of thing. Distressed, maybe? That's not quite it either.

Mood: Sad/Distressed/Troubled/Sad
Music: "September" by Spoken